Just....poetry, man.

I tried to forget

But you grew roots around my ribcage

And sprouted flowers

Just below my collarbones.

All day I pluck their petals

But I have not yet ascertained

Whether you love me

Or not

- Christina Lee (?)

Tired

I've been having so much trouble sleeping these past couple of weeks. I don't know what it is. I don't even stress or think about anything serious. But for some reason by heart starts beating really fast, I grow restless and I start to feel suffocated or trapped. I like sleep. Actually. I love sleep. Why can't I be good at it?

Flirting

How do you know if someone's flirting with you and they're not just being really nice?

Like...is there a manual or a book on these things? Probably.

I just genuinely have no clue whether someone is flirting with or if someone thinks I'm flirting with them. BECAUSE HOW THE HELL DO YOU FLIRT?

Hahaha just imagine the awkwardness in the future for me.

2013 Me (warning, long post)

I don't actually know what this post is going to be about. I want to say, this year everything is going to be new and different and I'm going to change. At first I thought it was cliche, but since it is literally the start of a new school where I'm going to be surrounded by hundreds of new people, it might actually be true this time.

I don't want the following list to just be a cliche goal or new years resolution thing. I want it to be a life thing where I accept that things change, that change is always inevitable and because of that, why not push some of that change in certain directions?

• Try. Work hard. I want to say this without sounding arrogant or full of myself. I need to be honest and realistic. I let myself down in high school, academically. I know for a fact that I have the ability to achieve good grades and I know how to study and put 100% effort into my work. But after primary school, I got scared I think. I went from being the smartest girl in my class to just another average, smart-ish student. So as the years went by, I stopped trying because I didn't want to deal with the disappointment and pressure. I brushed it off and stopped caring. I was ecstatic for my friends who have achieved so much and settled for being "alright". But I really want to try this time. The subjects and fields I'm diving into are things I'm pretty sure I love and so I'm going to try and work hard for the next 3-4 years.

• Put myself out there. In high school, I really came out of my shell. I made great, amazing friends that I think I wouldn't have made otherwise. But I still hesitate. Everyone does, I think. There's always that fear that you'll be rejected, humiliated or hated. I don't actually know what I'm looking for in regards of "putting myself out there". I'm not going to suddenly become an outgoing, no-fear kind of girl. I just want to be more open? To let myself take more chances and opportunities. I don't know. Like talk to strangers in my class. That sounds stupid. Lets amend that, initiate conversations and/or friendships. Go out more to places I've never been. Say yes more to the unknown kind of thing. Nothing crazy. I've always admired people who weren't afraid to put their opinions forward in class and seemed fearless of judgement from others. But then a friend or someone near me a remark about how stupid and annoying that person was. I 'd hide the respect I had and just say nothing or laugh it off. I need to change that. 

• Become a better friend. I'm not a terrible friend at the moment (I don't think I am. I hope I'm not. Oh God....) but I know I could be a better friend. Talk to them more, go out with them more and even defend them more. I love my friends. They are literally the reason I got through the past few years. But I do want to strengthen the relationships I have now and hope to create more. Essentially, I want to become part of a BROTP.

• Independence. This is kind of a combination of the above. I realised that the past couple of years, I had heavy reliance on the people around me. I relied on people to take me to places, to do work for me, to take responsibilities for me. This year, when all those dynamics between me and everyone around me changed/shifted, I realised that I was clueless or scared or confused about things that I should have some knowledge and confidence about. I need to take initiative, become more organised and responsible. 

• Acceptance and happiness. I don't know, I just feel as though these should be headings. They could mean so many things but I don't know what I want them to mean. Maybe everything that they imply in general or maybe it's specific to certain people and things and situations. I don't know

Random little stuff:

• Jobs, internships = I want
• Review blog. I need to commit to that. I really want to. I don't know why I'm not yet. 
• Try my hand at writing. I don't know what I mean. Screenplay? Script? Fan fiction? YA Fiction? Short stories?
• READ MORE. Books. Fanfiction only counts half the time.
• Get back into and find what I love about art. 
• Thrift stores and weekend markets, I want you to be the supplier for everything from now on.
• Master baking and cooking

My Valentines Day was better than yours

Probably not. But I had fun with my favourite Crispy Burger, malt ice cream and the endless crazy fun on Tumblr and television. Also a lot of fanfiction and an amazing nap. It was a good day. =)

Take that, couples!

Words

greater-reality:

Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.
And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes
you cannot even breathe deeply, and
the night sky is no home, and
you have cried yourself to sleep enough times
that you are down to your last two percent, but
nothing is infinite,
not even loss.
You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day
you are going to find yourself again.  

Oh good lord, poetry. If I ever learnt anything from my excessive amount of time on Tumblr and fanfiction and the internet on the whole, is that I actually love poetry. I would have sailed through English if we had read and analysed this or something OTHER than Gwen Harwood. Screw you Gwen Harwood.

Complete and utter exhaustion

After I got my uni ID, we had no idea what to do. So we just decide to walk and talk our way to Kingsford and see where we could go from there. We just kept going and ultimately decided to just walk all the way home.

I was the last one to branch off and so I was walking alone near the end of it. By the time I passed Eastgardens, it started sprinkling. By the time I reached Southpoint it was pouring. I was wearing a sheer blue top over a black tank and shorts. Needless to say, I was quickly DRENCHED. But despite the biting cold that bit into me as the wind swooped over my wet skin, it was fun.

I like walking in the rain and getting all soaked. The only thing was that I was so tired from the walk. It was quite a feat for me.

Then later at home, after I took an amazing shower and got dry, my sister came home. They're having a Valentine's bakesale and she was the main supplier for it. so we made from scratch multiple batches of passionfruit and raspberry melting moments, caramel fudge-heart shaped brownies and mini brownie cupcakes.

That took at least 5-4 hours. And now I am finally sitting down and it is so great.

Random mini thoughts:

• That one time me and Christie noticed how flawless Doris' skin was in math class. So we asked her what kind of skin lotion/cream she used while creepily stroking her face from both sides.
• I feel honoured and really flattered when I'm in someone else's Facebook dp. It's like AWWW SHUCKS, BABE
• Sometimes I look at photo's of myself and my mind doesn't register that it's me. As in, I think I'm looking at a friend or someone THAT ISN'T ME. I forget what I look like. 
• The same thing happens with my name. On more than three occasions, I have forgotten what my name was for a full two seconds. It was strange.
• Then I get bouts of, "what thought did I just have?" and then "Have I ever forgotten and then asked that same question before?" Sometimes I realised that yes, yes I have this exact question before. Other times I think that I make up memories of me thinking that. Did that make sense? LOLPROBSNOT.
• I'M GETTING A SAMOYED. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT THAT IS. I SAY ITS A DOG, THAT IS FLUFFIER THAN A HUSKY. AOJNVAJSNFVJADBNJDN
• If reincarnation exists, I want to either be a rabbit or a red panda. Just because. 
• I desperately want Mamoru to exist. 

Andrew Belle - Sky's Still Blue

We swim in an ocean
With blindfolded lovers

Everything - Ben Howard

Seems everything around here
Stays like stone
Seems it's about time darling
About time we let this all go

1300th post

Ben Howard is great

Ben Howard - The Fear

Oh I will become what I deserve

Going to music spam

Prepare your non-existent selves

Ellie Goulding - The Writer

You wait for a silence
I wait for a word
Lying next to your frame
Girl unobserved
You change your position
And you're changing me
Casting these shadows
Where they shouldn't be

Failed before it even began

So I am kind of helping my friend plan this paintball event for his birthday which was in January. Then I realised, holy crap I'm going to paintball with a bunch of guys who thrive on this kind of stuff and I'm one of the most unfit people you will ever meet. I am going to die.

And so I set up this little exercise regiment that I'd start this week and do daily:

At least 30 minutes - 1hour run on treadmill
Do this little ab-swing macine thing while watching one full episode or movie
and Just Dance on my Wii for an hour

Today I woke up at 10.30 a.m., stayed in bed reading fanfiction until 1 p.m., had bacon and eggs toasted sandwich with leftover fries from dinner and watched that episode of Elementary I forgot to watch. OH! I also am helping my sister make the most fudgey brownies you'll ever eat, soon.

So. Yeah....

I'm sorry, but this is kind of accurate AS FUCK

Tumblr, how is it that you can see into my soul?