BNV 2013 Finals Round #4 - Washington D C

The fucking sass and inspiration and wit and amazingness is breathtaking

I seek his phantom warmth that seems to burn me in my dreams. I wake up to reach over to him, to feel him, to know him. Ironically it is my consciousness that drives him away. His weight is gone. His roughness is gone. His gentleness is gone. All that is left is what was always there. Me. Because he was never there. And I may not ever find him there. Even if he was there. Because I don't know him. I know his touch. I know his eyes. I know his lips. I know him. But not him. I would not recognise the colour of his eyes unless maybe if I saw the shape of them when he really saw me. I would not recognise his voice but only the oxymoron of my rough gentle lips against the back of my hand and shoulder. I yearn for the day that I will. Until then, I shall live with these phantom scars that he has already inflicted on me.

Good news. I might be psychic. I might have figured it out. What it was.
Bad news. I might be psychic. That I might be right. This is what it is.

I have no one to tell

Joshua Michael Robinson - Whiskey Days LIVE @ The Vanguard Room

I feel like something inside of me is dying.

I'm stuck in this shit state lately. It's that pit in my stomach that is full of unwarranted stress, anxiety and uncertainty. Something big or significant is going to happen soon. It's that kind of feeling. And it's affecting me, physically. My hands are shaking, my heart is aching, my head is swimming and my body is just so exhausted with it all. It's like sometimes I can't breathe. Something is choking me, suffocating me. And I don't know what it is. I just want it to go away. I want to be able to breathe and not seem fucking melodramatic and selfish when hanging out with my friends.

Platina Jazz presents Sailor Moon - A Moonlight Serenade

It’s in my dreams I find the right moment

It is the night that brings me the moonlight

And though I know it’s too late to call you

Your shadow’s always right by my side

Not all the tears I cry are made of sorrow

Reflected pools that will never dry

My eyes will show the dawn of tomorrow

The truth will speak in the ray of light

Romance in miracles so hard to defy

Invited by the moon in your eyes

I can see you there in every moment

As the day, it’s so bright and clear

Kaleidoscopic turns, in my heart that burns

Will show the way through the darkest night

The past remains present in the future

Time seems endless when you are near

Like a ticking clock, the twinkle of the stars

So hard to tell what is now and here?

Romance in miracles so hard to defy

Invited by the moon in your eyes

Like the sky begins on the horizon

The vision’s clear but so far away

Right where our story’s told, never to be old

Out of touch but it’s always there

Romance in miracles so hard to defy

Invited by the moon in your eyes

It’s in my dreams I find the right moment

Time seems endless when you are near

Right where our story’s told, never to be old

Out of touch but it’s allways there

The vision’s far but it’s always clear

It is the miracle that we share

Florence and the Machine - Take Care (Radio 1 Live Lounge Special)

Florence Welch is fucking flawless and no one can tell me otherwise.

Bastille cover Miley Cyrus' We Can't Stop in the Live Lounge

Seriously though, Bastille is my idol. Brilliant arrangement.

" Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself."

Daniell Koepke

Well then:

So I wanted to get a haircut like this:

for a while now. But I found it a bit before the ball and since I didn't know how it would have turned out, I wanted to wait until after (OH, BSOC Ball photos after this!!)

So I went to Rapunzel's Room in Maroubra which is owned by a friend of my sister. They are so nice and friendly and funny. Anyways, here is a before and after shot:

It's a bit shorter than I wanted but I still really love it! She layered the bottom and cut the length perfectly. I'm going to go back for some balayage/ombre sometime next week :)

I have an urge to write. But I don't know what about. I already have writer's block for my creative writing. I guess I just need a good ramble about life:

• 19 years old. Don't know what the hell I am doing
• Things are going relatively well. 
• After a break up of a 4 year relationship, you never know how much your life is going to change. I think we both handled it well, considering. The lead up was just so anti-climatic and sudden yet it was always there. Compared to the drama and emotions from the previous break ups, this one felt...different. I don't know in what way though. There was some drifting apart the months before in the way that felt like we were getting to busy to be together. We kept missing each other and when we did meet up, not much could be said. It was like, we unconsciously prepared ourselves for it. That being said, I still love him. In fact I really do miss him. And I know I was the one who made the choice to avoid contact after it all, and I don't regret that one bit, but we were just so constant in each other's life for so long. Talking every day, seeing each other every other day, having someone to be your partner or date to parties and events. Having so many moments, inside jokes, shared secrets, shared love. It just makes me sad that I just can't seem to find that same momentum or feeling with anyone else. For now. I miss his presence, his company, his safety. I miss him. But I'm happy for us as individuals. I'm grateful for how much we helped each other grow. I'm grateful that we were such a beautiful and great part of each others life. I'll treasure everything. 
• Oh wow. Yeah, ok, I guess I needed that out of my system. It's been 10 months, after all. And I think that the fact that I can write this on the public blog means that I'm not afraid anymore. I'm no longer afraid of people knowing how I feel, where I stand or who will read it.
•  Bsoc Ball was great. I'll post some pictures up in a separate post.
• I'm getting a haircut later today and may even inquire about balayage/ombre. (though it costs quite a lot)
• I want to make something. Something important. A costume? A film? A dish? An artwork? A song? A story? I don't know. I just want my creative juices to flow endlessly again. I'm feeling lazy and useless lately
• On the bright side, everything is coming off hiatus and FUCK YEAH
• Also watched a whole season of the anime Attack on Titan which is freaking interesting and intense
• I am also addicted to online shopping. Stop me. Help me.
• Also I want a boyfriend, in the sense I want someone to be comfortable with with additional cuddles and kisses. Just the concept and idea makes me want the warm and fuzziness of the security of someone else's arms who I can make cute and unlady-like jokes with or share our favourite pizza while watching each other's favourite shows and maybe even geek out about things. Or maybe he could be the total opposite of that. He'll be teaching me how to play his favourite sport, making fun of me because I've never skateboarded before. Just little cute details. Doesn't that sound nice and fun?

One day I hope to write like this. I hope to be able to capture the exact feeling with words, colours and images like she does. Because it must be so beautiful yet tragic the way she sees and feels the world to be able to write like this. To be able to feel and experience things that drive and push her to say these things. 

I’ve lost a lot of people over the years. Not in a silly break-up sense, but in a they’re gone from the face of the goddamn earth sense. This conversation took place a few years back during one of those dark times, and the boy with whom it took place probably saved my life a little bit if ya know what I mean. I think I’ve talked about him on here a few times or at least alluded to his existence — he was the boy who helped me understand that we’re all dying to live and living to die and it’s hard when our last chance to live is also our first. The boy whose voice rose like smoke and dripped like ink. The reason my favourite smells are cinnamon and turpentine. He could hear colours and see sounds and I used to think what a goddamn beautiful life he must lead. He told me my words sounded like wish white and sky blue, sometimes earl grey, and I always wondered whether he meant the tea or the shade or perhaps some half-hemmed amalgam in between. He was also the boy I dreamed about for nearly two years, and not in a lovesick puppydog kind of way. I like to think it was more of in a this is an important moment in your life Molly and you should remember it kind of way, but I don’t really know and it doesn’t really matter. The dream was always the same —

“I don’t get you at all.”
(My nose twitches.)
“Why not?”
“You’re just so much weirder than everyone else.”
“Oh.”
“You’re really hard to be around.”
“Because I paint the same thing over and over?”
(He sighs, looking past me.)
“No…because you’re like…haunted. You are so haunted. And everyone feels it.”

I don’t know, sometimes I wonder where he is or what he’s doing, but people like him, people like that, they have this proclivity for finding their way back into our lives, so I don’t really concern myself with the details.

My God

Ok so there have been a couple of arguments I have been witnessing lately: political, social, personal. A lot.

I'm all for expressing your opinion, standing up for your beliefs and defending others. But if you start making wild accusations, broad-ass generalisations and have a massive closed mind because you can't see anything other than your own voice, that is when I will disagree and maybe even stop listening

I will really, really, really try to keep an open mind and respect what you think and say as long as there is good, understandable and just reasoning behind it. If you are going off while being narrow and close minded and not even giving the other person a chance to explain or say their own views, then you are not going to win any votes, support or change any minds. You don't have to become best friends and you don't even have to agree with them.

Just argue intelligently and respectfully. If you don't respect that opinion for good reason, then argue with facts and evidence and passion. Passion is good. Passion means you care. But for god's sakes don't accuse people or shout random things at them that may seem to have no substance.