I wish I kissed him last night

Hello World!

This is me! Life should be, ooh ooh, yeah, fun for everyone.

And how fun it has been.

So since the last time I had written I have:

• Failed every subject from first sem (don't want to talk about it)
• Quit Woolies due to horrible people in positions of power
• Transferred fully to Arts course
• Cut my hair

Also Michelle is housesitting and Fil had Xavier and Win had Marshal.

Generally, life is good.

• Me and Mila are planning on going to Japan at the end of November
• I have at least 6 different concerts that I'm going to
• I started a group on Facebook called Friend Funtimes. I just wanted a place where I could suggest things to do and see with all of my friends without having a million different group messages and events. I was the only person who posted for the first few months, but now people are using it to advertise concerts, recitals, trivia. I love it.  
• Oh fuck man, so much trivia. There's now weekly Doncaster trivia; if the theme fits then GoodGod Trivia and Roundhouse trivia. 
• Sam is now 26
• I'm 21 in less than a month
• I'm just really liking (re)connecting with so many friends.
• OH. I got summoned for jury duty today. So that's interesting. 
• NETFLIX. My god, Netflix. A whole new world. K-drama's galore as well as so many tv shows I needed to catch up with and finish. I also watched a lot of classics and award winning movies
• All the Addams family movies. Brilliant
• The Grand Budapest Hotel. Fuck me. Amazing. Cinematography, script, directing AND THE ACTING was so freaking good.
• Whiplash = ALL THE AWESOME
• New Girl: weirdly underrated

The thing that's getting me is: how fucking fast things are these days. I mean, most of my friends are near the end of their uni careers. A lot of my older friends have babies. Little humans that will grow into actual adults and I most likely will be the super cool young aunt. My sisters are both going to be moved out by the end of next year. Kids that I've known since they were little are fucking catching up. Everyone successful these days are my age or younger.

It just feels like the entire world is ending an old chapter together and entering a new one at the same time. How is that even possible? It's terrifying.

Vampire: Someone offers you a chance at immortality. Do you take it, and why or why not?

Everyone always says no.

"You have to watch everyone you love die around you"

"You'll get bored"

"Won't it get lonely?"

NAH. I'd flat out 100% say yes to immortality. Are you kidding me? The chance to live forever. To get to see the human race discover what dwells at the depths of the ocean and the extraterrestrial life that thrive amongst the stars. To get to see your descendants or descendants of people you knew, become something. To watch innovation after innovation. To be not scared of never having enough time to read and watch and feel.

Of course there is sadness in loss. Of everything seeming so temporary while being so permanent. Yet at the same time that's the beauty of it. If everything was permanent it would get old and boring. Being permanent in this case does not necessarily without change. Adapting with the times, watching the new fashion trends recycle or become something new. What new franchise or celebrity will be the next big thing? Watching equality finally being achieved globally after generation, after generation of filtering the hate out from what used to be traditional values and now just accepting things as they are and as they could be rather than what an individual thinks should be. Seeing new technology revolutionising the way the world works.

Meeting and living all walks of life. 

Yes. Always. 

I am trash and am so sorry

At this point I don't give a fuck about followers or readers. And that's a good thing. Pretty much talking to the blog as a friend rather than the blog as a medium to talk to virtual or anonymous friends now.

Life is good. I'm probably making some things more stupid and complicated than it should be (I'm looking at you, uni). But other than that I'm pretty happy with how things are.

Life Update:

• Reconnecting and going out with good friends
• Helping friends in times of need. We're all realising entering into a relationship and adjusting to a life without one can be the hardest thing ever. 
• Michelle is moving out by July. Cannot express how amazing that news is. 
• Working at Woolies and having expendable income is the best. New analogue film camera, some sick as camera film, CLOTHES, and tickets to outings.
• Also making a lot of really good friends at work and at uni. It's so strange how these things just happen. 
• Hanging out with Gino a lot more now that he's moved back. To the eastern suburbs. To the exact same street as me. To the exact same building he used to live in. Crazy.
• Winnie and Filia are due to have their boys in less than 2 months! What the fuck! Did I not just go to their weddings, like, yesterday? Super excited to spoil and teach these guys what I know.

Random things

• So random fact about me: I am a total hidden object game addict. Those games where you have to find objects and solves puzzles in order to solve a crime or mystery. That shit is my jam. I've played pretty much every single one available on the Apps store for Mac.
• One night Michelle comes home from a date night with Jason. Around Sydney, and the world, right now are escape rooms. Fucking. Escape. Rooms.
• People are locked into a room with a theme with a group of friends and use everything they can to try and get out of the room.
• I went with Mila, Jesse and Gino on Thursday. 
• The one at Strike on the Harbour.
• It was amazing.
• People think I'm joking when I keep saying this but: I think I found my fucking niche. I want to master all these rooms. Around Sydney. Around Australia. Around the world. And then create my own Escape Room. 
• I'm not joking. I'm 100% serious.
• As I was walking home one day I was thinking to myself: "Man I wish that when I thought I escaped one room, it just lead to another and then another and another." The Escape Rooms at Strike only had two rooms each scenario.
• So I came up with the idea: I need to buy a whole block of houses or an apartment or something so that you need to escape not only just the room, but the building also. HARDCORE AMIRITE
• So, yeah, there is that.

AND ANOTHER THING:

• More self confidence.
• Buy things that make you and people happy. Why not? Of course save at least a third of the paycheck for the future. 
• But if you think you really need a leather jacket that will make you looking fuckhot kick ass, then do it. 
• If you wanna see someone live in concert, don't be afraid to go by yourself. Make friends and be safe.
• Tweet, update your Facebook, Instagram and Vine as much as you fucking want and can. When the hell are you going to think, "Man, I wish I didn't document so many things that made me happy and that I wanted to remember"?
• Self-love = Self-care: drink more water, get more sleep, when you get an idea then get it out and on paper or computer as soon as possible (this applies to general thoughts and uni stuff as well), indulge but don't gorge (I can eat a whole pizza by my self and probs be still hungry, I'll do it but don't forget to balance and moderate and shit.)
• Explore. I've gotten really into buy and looking into magazines that tell you about events around Sydney. Festivals, markets, conventions, plays, operas, cafes, clubs. They're all actually right there and not too hard to get to. Some free, some not. If you have an inkling of an interest then go for it. 

So life update!

So life update!

I went to China where it was fun and exhausting and trying. My family can barely be around each other in the same space each night at home let alone 24/7 in a (somewhat) foreign country. So lots of fights and frustrations. Tourist-wise it was so fun. Hong Kong, I shall be back with friends!

Back at uni. I'm technically still in my Arts/Education degree but I'm just doing my arts courses (Majoring in film and minor in English). So far my courses are amazing (we're in week 3) and interesting. I'm finding my motivation again. The courses all have to do with modernism and film and literature. Film Genres, Contemporary Approaches to Cinema, and Modernism: Screen and Text. I just figured out I'm studying the Passion of Joan of Arc in two different courses.

Work is work. It's beginning to be a pain in the ass, which is normal for a "getting by" job. Especially one at a grocery store. The never ending cycles of new managers is ridiculous because the store is so shit and stressful that they all keep leaving. And so the rest of us workers have to try and adapt to what ever neurotic tendencies the new manager has.

I'm making new friends, keeping in touch with some old ones. I'm really trying to get more involved in shit now. Sort out this shit. Earning enough money to sustain my online shopping problem, going out, tickets to events and all that.

Let's hope 2015 is better than 2014.

I've dropped Education. I'm contemplating culinary arts. I'm a film major. I'm going to China at the end of the month. That's all so far.

This year's to do list. Not resolutions. To Do List:

• Make one massive epiphany. The kind that occurs near the end of an episode of House or crime solving shows where one unrelated conversation mentions an insignificant detail which happens to trigger the memory or idea of a missing clue that solves the mystery disease/murder. Except instead of all of that it will be about my life in some way (friends, boys, family, uni, jobs)
  
• Have one proper holiday with friends. I'm serious, guys. At this point in friendship it's kind of weird we've never organised a big get-away-together. We always say that we'll go Melbourne or Gold Coast or even Wagga but never follow through. I don't care about where we go. As long as there is substantial planning, a journey we have to take towards destination that lasts more than an hour, bickering and jokes and music and junk snacks on said journey and hell of a lot of fun.
  
• Fucking try this year, Courtney. At most, try in terms of uni work.
  
• Have at least half a boyfriend by the end of the year. By "half a boyfriend", I mean a guy who I am interested in romantically and who also reciprocates this. Half a boyfriend means that we don't go to parties together or have joint birthday gifts for his friend because I'm awkwardly going to his friend's birthday party as a plus one but I don't know him well enough to buy him a present and so I halfsies scab of my guy to look half decent and to impress his friends. Full boyfriends do that shit. Half boyfriend means shy kisses, "hanging out" alone with each other, hving insulting yet endearing nicknames for each other and maybe even an inside joke or two. Interest is established and is being tested. That kind of thing. I guess. Doesn't have to be exactly like that, but you know what I mean.
  
• Have at least one part time job whether at woolies or a different establishment.
  
• Exercise. Ok the thing with this is that I know I'm a lazy fuck. So by exercise I mean that I will do at least one full day of something every.....month? Or maybe take up an extracurricular thing. Like pole or silks.
  
• More effort with friends. More effort to communicate. More effort to spend time with each other. More time to be better friends. It's not hard. It shouldn't be.
  
• Art more. Write more.

So

I'm wearing matching Superman tank top and underwear to sleep tonight. If that is not a great start to 2015, then I don't know what the fuck is.

Things that happened in 2014

Not in chronological order because who the fuck remembers shit that well?

• I took the semester off from uni to figure out what I wanted to do. 
• Got a job at woolies as Deli and Longlife girl. Made some friends.
• 30 Seconds to Mars with Milly and we bumped into Aislinn. Jared Leto wore an animal onsie
• Bastille birthday concert for Milly where I forgot to take my merch shirt with me 'cause I'm an idiot
• Went to Queensland for a day with Mila for her birthday and spent it at Movieworld. I still hate rollercoasters, Queensland is a whole different world and bought a shitload of stuff.
• Ellie Goulding with Sammy and Dru. She is a goddess and her supporting act was The Broods. I would later download The Broods EP that night at home.
• Supanova where went yet again had a Hasselhoff-like experience with this guy who was on the Hobbit, Arrow and is from New Zealand. I yet again bought shitloads of stuff.
• When going to drop Fine Arts I saw that I could apply for Arts/Education (secondary). Got accepted for Sem 2 and specialised in English.
• I fucking hated it. The education. Not the English. 
• I found out a friend in the deli transferred to Secondary as well and hated it almost as much as I did. We bonded over it. I then found out she had a tumblr and loves Marvel and other various fandoms. We bonded even more over that. 
• Went to Star City Buffet for my birthday with my lovely friends and got lots and lot and lots of presents. 
• Mila went fucking nuts for my birthday. Like. Holy shit. I love her so much. Not just because of the present thing of course. But like. GURRLLLLL. WHAT.
• As part of the presents thing she bought us tickets to The Broods.
• Cirque Du Soleil. With Milly. It was bat-shit insane and incredible. 
• WICKED with Aislinn and Laura. I almost forgot how much I loved it. Obsessed.
• So many TV shows and movies. So, so , many. How to Get Away With Murder. Once Upon a Time, American Horror Story, Newsroom, The 100, Brooklyn 99, Broad City, Agents of SHIELD, Interstellar, Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America The Winter Soldier, Mockingjay Part 1, Gone Girl, What Maisie Knew, Austenland, The Lego Movie.
• Probs more. 

A list of a few movies I will always love:

In no order at all:

• Pleasantville (1998):
  Starring - Tobey Maguire, Reese Witherspoon, Jeff Bridges and so many more recognisable faces
  Synopsis - A brother and sister from the 20th century get transported into a television show called Pleasantville. The basketball team always wins, the weather is always perfect and everyone is just swell. And everything is black and white until it isn't.
  
  This film has taught me so much about everything. I cannot put into words how beautiful it is and how much I love it.
  
• Moulin Rouge! (2001)
  Directed by Baz Lurhman (Strictly Ballroom, Romeo + Juliet,  Australia, The Great Gatsby)
  Starring - Nicole Kidman, Ewan McGregor, Jim Broadbent and loads more
  Synopsis - In the midst of the bohemian revolution in Paris, a penniless writer strives to write the next great novel about beauty, truth and love. Next thing he knows is that he starts living it, instead of writing it.
  
  Seriously. This film. If the fact that Ewan McGregor is young Obi-Wan Kenobi doesn't make you fall in love with him, you will fucking melt and give yourself up when he serenades you with Your Song. The music and the acting in this is superb. El Tango Roxanne will also become 'that' song where you sing aa duets overlapping parts.
  
• Peter Pan (2003)
  Directed by P.J. Hogan (Muriel's Wedding, My Best Friend's Wedding, Confessions of a Shopaholic)
  Starring - Jeremy Sumpter, Rachel Hurd-Wood, Jason Isaacs
  Synopsis - A boy who never grows up flies the Darling siblings to Neverland filled with Lost Boys, mermaids and pirates.
  
  It's a classic story and this is my favourite adaption to film so far. It's just so colourful and beautiful. I memorised nearly every line when I was in Year 5.
  
• Amelie (2001)
  Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Delicatessen, The City of Lost Children, Alien Resurrection)
  Starring - Audrey Tatou, Mattheiu Kassovitz, Yolande Moreau
  Synopsis - Introverted and socially awkward Amelie had been content with the simplest pleasures in life and daydreams about what could be happening in the lives and world outside. Shocked by the news of the death of Princess Di, it serves as the most random catalyst for a series of events that lead to a better life.
  
  I only watched this for the first time a few weeks ago. I fell in love immediately. It was so strange and (I really hate to use this word sometimes, but not this time) quirky. The amazing developed characters, Amelie's view on the world and ways about things. I've probably rewatched the meeting at her doorway part at least 10 times so far. If the Glass Man and his videos don't touch your heart, I'm not sure if anything will.

Ivory and Onyx from courtneyfong94-840 on 8tracks Radio.

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope"

-Captain Frederick Wentworth in Persuasion by Jane Austen

In all seriousness though, I'm alright. Uni isn't ideal though. I know that uni isn't something that you'll always enjoy the shit out of and isn't exactly as or what you wanted. But then again, why not?

Family is going alright, I guess. We're pretty much the usual. Loud voices, defensiveness and the need to be right. Archie is helping a ease a shit load. I don't know if they notice it though.

Friends are my only light right now. Friends from uni, from work, from high school. Even if I don't talk to them about ALL of this, it's still nice to not take it as seriously or to forget all of it when I'm with them.

I'm looking forward to Christmas break. I'm going to China for my grandpa's 91st in February. So that'll be something. I haven't been back there in a while. I just want to turn a new leaf without having to do go through he motions of turning.

Do you ever feel soul crushing self disgust and self hatred only to realise that it's because of family expectations, the pressures of society and the futility of everything being pushed upon you at once? And because you're no longer wearing a school uniform or need parental consent for anything anymore, everyone just suddenly expects you to know how to handle it?

Because I do. And I don't.

Have you ever feel like you're slowly just descending into a shitty state? And that state can be easily fixed if you just pull yourself up and take responsibility for something you did or need to do. But you just can't. You're looking at a task or a problem in the face and there's this physical feeling within you just reacting. It's revolted and unwilling and stubborn and it just feel's like it's hurting your very soul just thinking about how you are going to try and get through it. And even when you're doing it, you really aren't.

Sometimes just lying in bed in the morning. Facing another day. Which you want to do. You really want to. But just not like this. Not with deadlines and due dates and pressure and questions and problems and just everything. And you just come to realise after all this complaining that that is life. Life is, or just has become, going through and dealing with different yet the same shit day by day. Always just hoping and dreaming and praying to reach another day where and when it'll all be worth it. There's no guarantee though. No certain promise of rewards to be reaped for hard work. As much as I respect hard work and perseverance, you see in everyday life how those people just don't make it. Which isn't fair.

When did it come to a point where we feel as though we were so limited by the options and possibilities? Everything just became so unnecessarily hard to accomplish. Happiness has become a privilege.

Everything just seems so arbitrary. So temporary. So ridiculous.

And yet there is so much. There is just so much in the world. So much good and beauty and kindness and talent. It's incomprehensible. To even try to fully accept and understand how much there is and our place within it is just so overwhelming. Sometimes it's too much. And then other times it's not enough. And we can never really just get it. Get there.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Vampire: Someone offers you a chance at immortality. Do you take it, and why or why not?
Werewolf: If you had to spend your life with just one person, who would it be?
Witch: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
Ghost: Do you have any regrets?
Frankenstein: Is someone telling you how to live your life, or are you an independent person?
Mummy: If you were to fall into an eternal sleep, do you think anyone would miss you?
Zombie: Do you miss anyone right now?
Faerie: If you could get away with anything, what would you do?
Nymph: What are you like when you’re by yourself?
Mermaid: How far would you go to keep the one you love?
Shapeshifter: What would you change about yourself?
Banshee: If you knew one of your loved ones/best friends had only one day left to live, how would you spend that last day with them?
Siren: If you could make anyone do anything, what would you make them do?
Genie: If you had one wish that would come true and couldn’t be reversed, what would you ask for?
Fury: What is a word/phrase that you dread to hear?
Incubus: What would someone have to do to get in your pants?
Succubus: What’s one thing you can’t live without?