Damn. I had another dream about kissing you again. It was the exact same way even though we were surrounded by different nonsense

dream log. The important part

I don't know how, but it was like a vision.  A fantasy. It was filled with nonsense and impossibles. Until you came. As soon as I saw you I knew that you were real. The way you looked at me.  The heat and pressure as you grabbed my arm in a strong yet restrained grip and lead me to the door so that I could hear the curious whistling wind behind it. The moment your heat made me realize how close we were.  The moment we realized we were having a moment. Despite all the strange reality was happening around us we didn't care. I felt ready for anything.  But it still stole my breath and stuttered my heart when you closed the distance between us and touched my lips so gently.  I could feel your impulse. I could feel your rush of gumption and want.  I felt it in that tiny brush of courage that lasted forever that was not long enough.  And then, like a cliché written by a primary school child, I had to wake up.

Austenland - Official Trailer (HD) Keri Russell

Actually one of my favourite movies now. Like the type of movie I'd watch when I feel sad or sick or want to watch when it's rainy outside with some hot tea and cookies. 

I think I want to become a teacher. I just don't know what kind. Primary? Secondary? What subject?

I just love the idea of maybe being able to change how kids can see the world. Maybe help them become the person they will be for the better. It's an amazing thing.

I think that it's not the fact that I hate my family. It's just that I've spent nearly 20 straight years with the same people. And yeah we have had good times and I love them, they're my blood. But I think that if I move out and see them on a weekly basis, I'd be less angry and semi-homicidal. Just saying.

It's love/hate.

Oh...a text. It must be from her about the plans coming up. But it's not. It's from him. About something little and seemingly inconsequential. A few words to reference a passing thought traded between them earlier that day. And so her heart started to dance and her smile just couldn't help itself. Until her lungs exhaled a frustrated sigh and her voice asked the dark empty room "Do I love you?"

The thing is that boys will second guess feelings that they know they have whereas girls will implicitly trust whatever feeling they have despite not really knowing what it is.

It's bound to be confusing and frustrating and stupid.

Valentine's Day questions Part II

9:What's the most important part of a relationship? Trust, respect and just that special "thing"

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• 10:Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious
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• 16:Do you believe in "love at first sight"? Yes I do actually.
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• 17:Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet? Of course. Sometimes it's the only way people can really communicate and really build that trust until they're comfortable. In the least creepy way possibly
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• 18:What do you consider a deal breaker? Breaking trust, cheating, someone trying to be someone they're not
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• 19:How do you know it's time to end a relationship? If it reaches a point where you can't see a good future ahead for the both of you. 

• 24:Do you think love can last forever? True love does
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• 25:Do you believe love can conquer all things? If it doesn't, then it's not love.
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• 26:Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of? Never. 
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• 28:Do you think long distance relationships can work? Yes
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• 29:What do you notice first about another person? How kind their face is. Then I'll be curious whether they have a heart to match.
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• 30:Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? I'm pretty sure I'm straight but wouldn't be surprised if I turned out bi.
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• 31:Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? I don't think so. If they're my partner, I fell in love knowing that they had that illness.
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• 33:Do you want to get married one day? I do. I love the idea of a wedding. But I also don't mind just being with someone and not getting married.
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• 34:What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed? Never a good idea. Symbols are better.
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• 35:Could you be in a relationship without sex? I think so.
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• 37:What's more important: Looks or personality? Personality. The more you get to know someone and the more you like their personality, they become more attractive.
  
• 38:Do you enjoy love films? I enjoy all films
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• 41:What's your imagination of a "perfect date"? Nothing crazy. Something relaxing and simple yet still memorable. But more because of us two being together rather than what we did.
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• 43:What's more important: Your partner or your friends? Neither parties should ever make you choose. If they did, they don't deserve to be chosen. But in the end, partner.
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• 44:Would you consider yourself "romantic"? I like to
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• 45:Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? Indeed. 
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• 46:Have you ever been "friendzoned"? My default position is friend. As in, I never expect to be relationship-zoned.
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• 50:If you're single, why do you think you are? It's not really a choice or like I'm being forced to be single. It's just the way that things are right now. 
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• 52:Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships? I'm always weary when "giving advice". More than anything, I actually make sure everyone knows what my opinion is rather than tell them what they should do. 
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• 53:Are you jealous of couples when you're single? I'm jealous at the IDEA of a relationship but not OF people in a relationship
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• 54:How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)? Not really. If you're together, then you're together. And if you both know where you both stand clearly, then it's all ok.
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• 55:Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"? I don't think so? If I had to choose out of those three I probably would choose overly attached.

• 57:Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart? The concept of suicide is never silly. This is a shit question. People sometimes can't handle difficult situations because they have no support or because of how the heart was broken. Sometimes people can be overdramatic, but it's never ok to write off every single person who has contemplated suicide after a break up as silly. Fuck anyone who does. Their own feelings are just that. THEIR OWN. It doesn't need to be justified or validated. That doesn't mean I think it's ok for people to commit suicide over a broken heart or that it's ok for suicide, period. Just the term "silly" makes me angry in this case
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• 58:Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship? Both. Different on occasions. 

• 60:What's your opinion on open relationships? As long as everyone agrees and are happy, go for it.
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• 63:Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? If they both want to do it, then hey! have fun.
  
• 62:How do you define "cheating"? Purposely and knowingly flirting or hooking up with someone who is not your partner. If you really believe it's friendly texting and you spend time with someone who isn't me, that's not cheating. If you blow me off for someone and just do or say things with them that you'd usually do with only me, that is cheating. Having friends of the same and/or opposite sex does not make you a cheater. Being a dickhead douchebag does.
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• 64:Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated? A litte bit. Only because of how much emphasis it puts on how society thinks you HAVE to have a Valentines or else you're just a lonely loser and don't deserve chocolates and flowers. Fuck that. But it is a lovely kind of thing for just people to celebrate love. 
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• 65:Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"? Fuck. I'm a cuddler when I'm not in a relationship. 

Valentine's Day questions Part I

1:Do you have a crush at the moment? I always have crushes. Some are silly fascinations while others are deep longings and wonderings. But yes, right now I have a crush or two.

• 2:Have you ever been deeply in love? I think I was
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• 3:Longest relationship you've ever been in? 4 years
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• 12:How many people have you ever hooked up with? One. Lol
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• 4:Have you ever changed for someone? Yes
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• 13:What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? Trying to change myself for someone
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• 27:If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? There is a difference between completely changing who you are for someone and growing as a person with someone. Don't compromise yourself for love because if you have to, then it isn't love.
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• 5:How is your relationship with your ex? Distant
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• 6:Have you ever been cheated on? No
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• 7:Have you ever cheated? No

• 20:Are you currently in a relationship? Nope
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• 21:Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Sure
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• 22:Do you think people should date their friends? I believe a lot of the best relationships grow from it
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• 23:How many relationships have you had? Two
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• 32:Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? I don't think so
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• 36:Are you still a virgin? Nope.
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• 39:Have you ever given anyone/received roses? Yes
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• 40:Have you ever had a valentine? Yes
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• 42:Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"? Re-reading at the moment actually
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• 49:Have you ever broken someone's heart? Yes
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• 56:Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship? I honestly don't know.
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• 59:Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary? Never
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• 61:Who's more important: Your partner or your family? In the past, partner over family because of the partner. And now I'd choose partner over family because of my family.
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Valentine's Day Quiz Warning

I just did a random Valentine's Day Quiz because I'm bored. I've split it into two parts. The first is just past experiences and facts. The second part is my opinion and preferences.

Warning. Both are long but I would really appreciate if you read it all. I've bolded, underlined and/or made font bigger to emphasise points I really believe in or think are important.

Sisterly Love

If my decision doesn't really affect Michelle in any way, does she have the right to angry at me?

If she isn't happy with my decision and has other suggestion, should she attack me and verbally abuse me instead of calmly talking about it like an adult?

Lol fuck her. She was going to verbally attack me whether or not I deferred. She'd find a reason. Because she lashes out whether there is real fault or not. Bad mood? Fucking steer clear of her. Wants to find something? Stops the whole household to make them help her find it. Did I lose something? Declines help and verbally abuses me for always losing my things. 

The fact that she is such a bitch about things, makes me want to do the opposite of what she wants just to spite her. But I follow. I hate that I'm scared and so easily affected by what she says. Apathy was harder than I thought. 

The day she leaves and moves out will never be soon enough.

Some Plans:

Not really. But just some ideas and the agenda for this year.
Things I want to try and work/improve on:

• Painting (watercolour, acrylic, oil, gouache)
• Drawing
• Photography
• Video-editing and making
• Sewing, making clothes
• Writing

Things I want to do:

• I'm starting to ask friends whether or not they will let me help them make videography's for special/specific events. This means taking photos and videos at an event and at the end I'll make a video made up of all of that content. So Liys' birthday is coming up and she's letting me do that. I asked Mary to ask her sister if I could do that for her sister's birthday. Basically working on my photography, video making and editing skills while making great gifts for great friends. So if you have anything coming up or know anyone who does, I'm offering up these services.
  
• Collaborate with friends and other people on ideas for writing, filming, art. Meet new friends, make connections, better my skill and mind. I have a lot of ideas for stories but I never follow through with or develop. So I need to work on that. Old projects and new. As long as I document it. I may post some up on here. Maybe not.
  
• Look for internships, apprenticeships, work experience in everything and anything I'm interested in. Get some experience now. Make connections now. 

lol i dno. just get my shit together. or find the things in order to prepare to get my shit together

Well I just did something

"Sweater Weather" - The Neighbourhood (Max & Alyson Stoner Cover)

Crushes

Crushes are weird.

There are some that you've had for so long that you're no longer sure if it's a real crush any more. It's evolved into a quiet admiration in friendship that holds the slightest longing.

There are some that develop so quickly that they leave you a bit breathless. You find yourself panting after talking to someone for 3 hours straight and just need time to catch your breath and your thoughts that are racing with shock from this sudden feeling.

There are the crushes that reemerge when you didn't even know you had felt like this for them before. Maybe it was a juvenile thought you dismissed as friendship but you now recognise as a fully developed crush that grew as you knew the person. You recognise the signs from the past and how long you actually had them.

Sometimes nothing comes of it. Sometimes something does. All in all it's the most annoyingly beautiful feeling in the world.