So life update!

So life update!

I went to China where it was fun and exhausting and trying. My family can barely be around each other in the same space each night at home let alone 24/7 in a (somewhat) foreign country. So lots of fights and frustrations. Tourist-wise it was so fun. Hong Kong, I shall be back with friends!

Back at uni. I'm technically still in my Arts/Education degree but I'm just doing my arts courses (Majoring in film and minor in English). So far my courses are amazing (we're in week 3) and interesting. I'm finding my motivation again. The courses all have to do with modernism and film and literature. Film Genres, Contemporary Approaches to Cinema, and Modernism: Screen and Text. I just figured out I'm studying the Passion of Joan of Arc in two different courses.

Work is work. It's beginning to be a pain in the ass, which is normal for a "getting by" job. Especially one at a grocery store. The never ending cycles of new managers is ridiculous because the store is so shit and stressful that they all keep leaving. And so the rest of us workers have to try and adapt to what ever neurotic tendencies the new manager has.

I'm making new friends, keeping in touch with some old ones. I'm really trying to get more involved in shit now. Sort out this shit. Earning enough money to sustain my online shopping problem, going out, tickets to events and all that.

Let's hope 2015 is better than 2014.

I've dropped Education. I'm contemplating culinary arts. I'm a film major. I'm going to China at the end of the month. That's all so far.

This year's to do list. Not resolutions. To Do List:

• Make one massive epiphany. The kind that occurs near the end of an episode of House or crime solving shows where one unrelated conversation mentions an insignificant detail which happens to trigger the memory or idea of a missing clue that solves the mystery disease/murder. Except instead of all of that it will be about my life in some way (friends, boys, family, uni, jobs)
  
• Have one proper holiday with friends. I'm serious, guys. At this point in friendship it's kind of weird we've never organised a big get-away-together. We always say that we'll go Melbourne or Gold Coast or even Wagga but never follow through. I don't care about where we go. As long as there is substantial planning, a journey we have to take towards destination that lasts more than an hour, bickering and jokes and music and junk snacks on said journey and hell of a lot of fun.
  
• Fucking try this year, Courtney. At most, try in terms of uni work.
  
• Have at least half a boyfriend by the end of the year. By "half a boyfriend", I mean a guy who I am interested in romantically and who also reciprocates this. Half a boyfriend means that we don't go to parties together or have joint birthday gifts for his friend because I'm awkwardly going to his friend's birthday party as a plus one but I don't know him well enough to buy him a present and so I halfsies scab of my guy to look half decent and to impress his friends. Full boyfriends do that shit. Half boyfriend means shy kisses, "hanging out" alone with each other, hving insulting yet endearing nicknames for each other and maybe even an inside joke or two. Interest is established and is being tested. That kind of thing. I guess. Doesn't have to be exactly like that, but you know what I mean.
  
• Have at least one part time job whether at woolies or a different establishment.
  
• Exercise. Ok the thing with this is that I know I'm a lazy fuck. So by exercise I mean that I will do at least one full day of something every.....month? Or maybe take up an extracurricular thing. Like pole or silks.
  
• More effort with friends. More effort to communicate. More effort to spend time with each other. More time to be better friends. It's not hard. It shouldn't be.
  
• Art more. Write more.

So

I'm wearing matching Superman tank top and underwear to sleep tonight. If that is not a great start to 2015, then I don't know what the fuck is.

Things that happened in 2014

Not in chronological order because who the fuck remembers shit that well?

• I took the semester off from uni to figure out what I wanted to do. 
• Got a job at woolies as Deli and Longlife girl. Made some friends.
• 30 Seconds to Mars with Milly and we bumped into Aislinn. Jared Leto wore an animal onsie
• Bastille birthday concert for Milly where I forgot to take my merch shirt with me 'cause I'm an idiot
• Went to Queensland for a day with Mila for her birthday and spent it at Movieworld. I still hate rollercoasters, Queensland is a whole different world and bought a shitload of stuff.
• Ellie Goulding with Sammy and Dru. She is a goddess and her supporting act was The Broods. I would later download The Broods EP that night at home.
• Supanova where went yet again had a Hasselhoff-like experience with this guy who was on the Hobbit, Arrow and is from New Zealand. I yet again bought shitloads of stuff.
• When going to drop Fine Arts I saw that I could apply for Arts/Education (secondary). Got accepted for Sem 2 and specialised in English.
• I fucking hated it. The education. Not the English. 
• I found out a friend in the deli transferred to Secondary as well and hated it almost as much as I did. We bonded over it. I then found out she had a tumblr and loves Marvel and other various fandoms. We bonded even more over that. 
• Went to Star City Buffet for my birthday with my lovely friends and got lots and lot and lots of presents. 
• Mila went fucking nuts for my birthday. Like. Holy shit. I love her so much. Not just because of the present thing of course. But like. GURRLLLLL. WHAT.
• As part of the presents thing she bought us tickets to The Broods.
• Cirque Du Soleil. With Milly. It was bat-shit insane and incredible. 
• WICKED with Aislinn and Laura. I almost forgot how much I loved it. Obsessed.
• So many TV shows and movies. So, so , many. How to Get Away With Murder. Once Upon a Time, American Horror Story, Newsroom, The 100, Brooklyn 99, Broad City, Agents of SHIELD, Interstellar, Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America The Winter Soldier, Mockingjay Part 1, Gone Girl, What Maisie Knew, Austenland, The Lego Movie.
• Probs more. 

A list of a few movies I will always love:

In no order at all:

• Pleasantville (1998):
  Starring - Tobey Maguire, Reese Witherspoon, Jeff Bridges and so many more recognisable faces
  Synopsis - A brother and sister from the 20th century get transported into a television show called Pleasantville. The basketball team always wins, the weather is always perfect and everyone is just swell. And everything is black and white until it isn't.
  
  This film has taught me so much about everything. I cannot put into words how beautiful it is and how much I love it.
  
• Moulin Rouge! (2001)
  Directed by Baz Lurhman (Strictly Ballroom, Romeo + Juliet,  Australia, The Great Gatsby)
  Starring - Nicole Kidman, Ewan McGregor, Jim Broadbent and loads more
  Synopsis - In the midst of the bohemian revolution in Paris, a penniless writer strives to write the next great novel about beauty, truth and love. Next thing he knows is that he starts living it, instead of writing it.
  
  Seriously. This film. If the fact that Ewan McGregor is young Obi-Wan Kenobi doesn't make you fall in love with him, you will fucking melt and give yourself up when he serenades you with Your Song. The music and the acting in this is superb. El Tango Roxanne will also become 'that' song where you sing aa duets overlapping parts.
  
• Peter Pan (2003)
  Directed by P.J. Hogan (Muriel's Wedding, My Best Friend's Wedding, Confessions of a Shopaholic)
  Starring - Jeremy Sumpter, Rachel Hurd-Wood, Jason Isaacs
  Synopsis - A boy who never grows up flies the Darling siblings to Neverland filled with Lost Boys, mermaids and pirates.
  
  It's a classic story and this is my favourite adaption to film so far. It's just so colourful and beautiful. I memorised nearly every line when I was in Year 5.
  
• Amelie (2001)
  Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Delicatessen, The City of Lost Children, Alien Resurrection)
  Starring - Audrey Tatou, Mattheiu Kassovitz, Yolande Moreau
  Synopsis - Introverted and socially awkward Amelie had been content with the simplest pleasures in life and daydreams about what could be happening in the lives and world outside. Shocked by the news of the death of Princess Di, it serves as the most random catalyst for a series of events that lead to a better life.
  
  I only watched this for the first time a few weeks ago. I fell in love immediately. It was so strange and (I really hate to use this word sometimes, but not this time) quirky. The amazing developed characters, Amelie's view on the world and ways about things. I've probably rewatched the meeting at her doorway part at least 10 times so far. If the Glass Man and his videos don't touch your heart, I'm not sure if anything will.

Ivory and Onyx from courtneyfong94-840 on 8tracks Radio.

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope"

-Captain Frederick Wentworth in Persuasion by Jane Austen

In all seriousness though, I'm alright. Uni isn't ideal though. I know that uni isn't something that you'll always enjoy the shit out of and isn't exactly as or what you wanted. But then again, why not?

Family is going alright, I guess. We're pretty much the usual. Loud voices, defensiveness and the need to be right. Archie is helping a ease a shit load. I don't know if they notice it though.

Friends are my only light right now. Friends from uni, from work, from high school. Even if I don't talk to them about ALL of this, it's still nice to not take it as seriously or to forget all of it when I'm with them.

I'm looking forward to Christmas break. I'm going to China for my grandpa's 91st in February. So that'll be something. I haven't been back there in a while. I just want to turn a new leaf without having to do go through he motions of turning.

Do you ever feel soul crushing self disgust and self hatred only to realise that it's because of family expectations, the pressures of society and the futility of everything being pushed upon you at once? And because you're no longer wearing a school uniform or need parental consent for anything anymore, everyone just suddenly expects you to know how to handle it?

Because I do. And I don't.

Have you ever feel like you're slowly just descending into a shitty state? And that state can be easily fixed if you just pull yourself up and take responsibility for something you did or need to do. But you just can't. You're looking at a task or a problem in the face and there's this physical feeling within you just reacting. It's revolted and unwilling and stubborn and it just feel's like it's hurting your very soul just thinking about how you are going to try and get through it. And even when you're doing it, you really aren't.

Sometimes just lying in bed in the morning. Facing another day. Which you want to do. You really want to. But just not like this. Not with deadlines and due dates and pressure and questions and problems and just everything. And you just come to realise after all this complaining that that is life. Life is, or just has become, going through and dealing with different yet the same shit day by day. Always just hoping and dreaming and praying to reach another day where and when it'll all be worth it. There's no guarantee though. No certain promise of rewards to be reaped for hard work. As much as I respect hard work and perseverance, you see in everyday life how those people just don't make it. Which isn't fair.

When did it come to a point where we feel as though we were so limited by the options and possibilities? Everything just became so unnecessarily hard to accomplish. Happiness has become a privilege.

Everything just seems so arbitrary. So temporary. So ridiculous.

And yet there is so much. There is just so much in the world. So much good and beauty and kindness and talent. It's incomprehensible. To even try to fully accept and understand how much there is and our place within it is just so overwhelming. Sometimes it's too much. And then other times it's not enough. And we can never really just get it. Get there.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Vampire: Someone offers you a chance at immortality. Do you take it, and why or why not?
Werewolf: If you had to spend your life with just one person, who would it be?
Witch: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
Ghost: Do you have any regrets?
Frankenstein: Is someone telling you how to live your life, or are you an independent person?
Mummy: If you were to fall into an eternal sleep, do you think anyone would miss you?
Zombie: Do you miss anyone right now?
Faerie: If you could get away with anything, what would you do?
Nymph: What are you like when you’re by yourself?
Mermaid: How far would you go to keep the one you love?
Shapeshifter: What would you change about yourself?
Banshee: If you knew one of your loved ones/best friends had only one day left to live, how would you spend that last day with them?
Siren: If you could make anyone do anything, what would you make them do?
Genie: If you had one wish that would come true and couldn’t be reversed, what would you ask for?
Fury: What is a word/phrase that you dread to hear?
Incubus: What would someone have to do to get in your pants?
Succubus: What’s one thing you can’t live without?

autumnal days from Idril on 8tracks Radio.

I just don't understand?

Why do people not accept feminism? Literally all we're trying to do is feel safe and happy and have the exact same rights as men do. We don't want to be better than men. We don't want to take over the world. We are not anti-men. We are anti-standards set and perpetuated by men. We want our positions in the world to be acknowledged as much as the men have. That's all. (Well...that's oversimplifying. That's not all but I'm trying to say it's not that big of a thing to ask for).

Girl's getting fucking raped or abused in every way are still being accused of leading guys on, wearing not enough clothes while the attacker is sympathised with. If you're wondering why rape is always a go to problem that "relates" to feminism it's all about social standards and justice.

If you don't see the need for feminism and you're female, maybe you've got all the rights and privileges that you need but so many other women out there don't. In third world and first world countries alike.

The first time I was sexually assaulted was when I was in Year 8. I was on the bus home and sitting at the back by myself. This was around 1-3pm. A group of older teenage guys came on and I was immediately terrified. That's sign number one. Why should I be scared of guys my own age. Or ANY age for that matter? Because they have more than enough reason to think they have the power and and right to do what they want with me. Even if that isn't their intention, the fact that it is such a large possibility scared me.

They sat at the back as well, effectively trapping me in as they laughed and swore and talked about hot chicks that they fucked or considered sluts. Sign number two. The fact that were making a joke and congratulating each other about sex and experience. Being super macho because they think that's what makes them cool. That's what is expected of boys. All the while adding the double standard to the girl they DID have sex with. Which is fucking ridiculous because you love girls who like to have a lot of sex but then later shun them and calling them sluts. What the actual fuck. All girl's aren't nuns. Virginity isn't sacred or a sign of how pure you are. It can be treasured, sure, you can definitely save it for someone you feel is special. But why the hell does everyone need to have that mindset? Virginity is not a statement about who you are.

When I finally got to my stop, I was so relieved. I got off but realised about three other guys got off too. I tried not to panic and calmly started to walk towards my friends house. Then I felt a massive hand smack my ass and he ran off to the other side of the road where his friends were also walking and laughing. I was 14. Sign number three. I was violated. It might have lasted 2 seconds. It might have "just" been a smack on the ass. But it wasn't. Some guy thought it'd be funny to touch a girl who was visibly younger than him, in a way that degraded me to nothing more than a body he could touch. I don't care if I was wearing short shorts, it was fucking 30 degrees that day in Summer. I don't care if it was harmless. I didn't want someone to touch me without my permission. It was invasion of privacy, basic human rights and consent. ALL OF WHICH I AM INNATELY ENTITLED TO, JUST LIKE YOU.

My Body, My Rules is saying
"Hello, I am a human being who has family and friends just like you. I am in charge of and take care of my own body because I kind of live in it. Because it's me. It's mine. I'd like to have a tattoo on my chest one day because I decided to permanently mark my own body with something significant and important to me. I want to dye my own hair lilac because I love the colour and I want to try it out. I want to have casual sex because sex feels great and I'm being honest and safe about it, why not? (Not that that would be any of your business but I'm proving a point). But these things do not mean I'm crazy, or rebellious or is in any fucking way an invitation for you to touch me. If you want to, then respectfully ask. If I say no, then respect that."

TL;DR. Feminism is not a danger to you or your position in the world. We want to be treated like human beings. We are capable of making our own decisions. We deserve to be heard just as loudly as men are listened to but we shouldn't have to shout and rally for what men simply command for with a tone of voice that threatens violence or abuse or pompous self-entitlement. We are trying to reach up to the level men have set themselves upon, not drag them down to the level they have kicked us down to. 

My next two weeks

Wednesday 3rd: Dinner for grandma's birthday
Thursday 4th: Work
Friday 5th: Education assignment due. Also grandma's birthday
Saturday 6th: Get my hair purplised.
Sunday 7th: Work and father's day. If weather's good, then picnic at park.
Monday 8th: Work
Tuesday 9th: Creative writing assignment due. Also my birthday. Work.
Wednesday 10th: Michelle's birthday. Probs going to dinner somewhere.
Thursday 11th: Work
Friday 12th: Education presentation due. Possibly go clubbing with work mates.
Saturday 13th: Birthday dinner at buffet
Sunday 14th: Work

Now that I've written it all out it doesn't seem that much (did not include uni lectures or tutorials). It's just that with everything going on and my work ethic, I don't feel like I have enough time to do everything. It's just the sad reality that while I acknowledge the fact that I'm lazy, I have zero motivation to do anything about it.

Just not feeling it at the moment. Hurry up holidays. Come to me.

Assignments

So I had an English assignment and doing an Education assignment. In both I need to analyse an analysis of a certain topic. English it was a critical reading of Shakespeare and Education it was another analytical article thing. I just have one thing to ask:

IS IT SO HARD TO HAVE SHORTER, MORE PRECISE SENTENCES THAT DON'T HAVE 5 WORDS IN A ROW THAT RHYME (AKA: SOCIOLOGICAL, EDUCATIONAL, PROFESSIONAL, POLITICAL, THEORETICAL ETC.) ??

I HAVE TO REREAD A SENTENCE OUT LOUD AT LEAST 3 TIMES IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND THE MOST SIMPLE CONCEPT. LIKE, WE KNOW YOU'RE SMART AND YOU'VE DONE YOUR RESEARCH. YOU'RE PUBLISHED AND WE'RE STUDYING YOU. YOU DON'T NEED FURTHER PROVE THIS THROUGH THE CONVOLUTION AND UNNECESSARY USES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

FUCKED UP. UNI  IS FUCKED UP.  WE'RE GOING TO BE IN DEBT FOR A USELESS DEGREE IN A NON EXISTENT JOB MARKET. THANKS GOVERNMENT AND SOCIETY. REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHANGE THIS WHEN THEY GIVE ME NO OPPORTUNITY OR CHANCE TO?

CAN I JUST DROP EVERYTHING AND LIVE IN DISNEYLAND NOW?
/rant over.

ok. fuck. I need to finish summarising this 20 page, size 4 font article now. And that's only a quarter of what I actually need to write about. This is due on Friday. Why do I do this to myself.