Tuesday, 30 April 2013

I only hate one course in uni and that is Media, Culture and Everyday Life. Essentially it's making me hate myself. And I can't wait to drop it.

I'm loving film study though. I am definitely sticking with it throughout. It's just so interesting and I think I'm getting good at it. Like analysing, understanding everything should make you hate what it is. Like analysing Blade Runner for English. I'm pretty sure I'd like the film 10000 times more if it wasn't associated with what I could loosely call the "English Curriculum". But in film study, I just love everything more because I'm not beating the everloving awesome out of it like we would in high school. It actually enhances everything.

COFA I am enjoying. Some things I think I struggle with but so far it's A OK.

Fucking Media though. I can't wait to drop it in just a few weeks.

Friday, 5 April 2013

Mirrors - Justin Timberlake - Michael Henry & Justin Robinett

Mumford and Sons "Where Are You Now" live studio CD102.5FM Big Room

and the darkness can descend,
we can relish all the pain.
but I know that’s what you love,
cause you know I love the same.

SMASH - Some Boys

Read, but try not to think about it. Actually don't read it. I shouldn't have posted this. But it's MY blog....fuck.

I'm just so done with it all.

Life...I don't know. Right now things aren't necessarily horrible. But everything just feel like it's going wrong. Without anything happening. I'm just full of contradictions lately.

I fucking missed the deadline to do ELISE and for my uni school fees and so now I'm fucked for both of them. So I thought about it and was 75% set on deferring the year to find a good job or two in the film industry that'll give me experience and skills and money. But then someone told me that since I missed the payment date, I'll probably have to pay anyways. And so what's the point of dropping out if I'm paying for it?

I just don't want to deal with my family right now. I can't deal with them. Any of them. I dread having to talk to any of them. Because no matter what, things just go to shit whenever anyone interacts in this family. It'll end up with at least once persion raising their voice. And over fucking nothing.

I feel like I'm trying but everything is falling apart. Yet I also feel like I'm doing nothing at all and that I need to get my shit together.

I have large periods of depression and anxiety but then I get mini bouts of happiness just by being around friends, by being outside the house itself. But I don't want to go out because me and my family are actually struggling to just get by nowadays.

I want to be alone as well, but I don't.
I'm writing this now and posting this up knowing people will read it.
And I want them to know, but I don't.
I want people to hear me but at the same time I don't want them to know.

I'm just full of contradictions lately. And it's tearing me apart inside. To have this conflict. To want to talk and tell someone but I don't want to seem like an attention seeking twat. To not knowing who I could even talk to. Because with every option, there's always a fear, a complication.

Usually I'd be posting this somewhere else. Somewhere private. But I'm just so tired. Of everything. I just want to be happy. But it's so hard.