Monday, 27 January 2014

Sisterly Love

If my decision doesn't really affect Michelle in any way, does she have the right to angry at me?

If she isn't happy with my decision and has other suggestion, should she attack me and verbally abuse me instead of calmly talking about it like an adult?

Lol fuck her. She was going to verbally attack me whether or not I deferred. She'd find a reason. Because she lashes out whether there is real fault or not. Bad mood? Fucking steer clear of her. Wants to find something? Stops the whole household to make them help her find it. Did I lose something? Declines help and verbally abuses me for always losing my things. 

The fact that she is such a bitch about things, makes me want to do the opposite of what she wants just to spite her. But I follow. I hate that I'm scared and so easily affected by what she says. Apathy was harder than I thought. 

The day she leaves and moves out will never be soon enough.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Some Plans:

Not really. But just some ideas and the agenda for this year.
Things I want to try and work/improve on:

  • Painting (watercolour, acrylic, oil, gouache)
  • Drawing
  • Photography
  • Video-editing and making
  • Sewing, making clothes
  • Writing

Things I want to do:
  • I'm starting to ask friends whether or not they will let me help them make videography's for special/specific events. This means taking photos and videos at an event and at the end I'll make a video made up of all of that content. So Liys' birthday is coming up and she's letting me do that. I asked Mary to ask her sister if I could do that for her sister's birthday. Basically working on my photography, video making and editing skills while making great gifts for great friends. So if you have anything coming up or know anyone who does, I'm offering up these services.
  • Collaborate with friends and other people on ideas for writing, filming, art. Meet new friends, make connections, better my skill and mind. I have a lot of ideas for stories but I never follow through with or develop. So I need to work on that. Old projects and new. As long as I document it. I may post some up on here. Maybe not.
  • Look for internships, apprenticeships, work experience in everything and anything I'm interested in. Get some experience now. Make connections now. 
lol i dno. just get my shit together. or find the things in order to prepare to get my shit together

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Friday, 17 January 2014

Crushes

Crushes are weird.

There are some that you've had for so long that you're no longer sure if it's a real crush any more. It's evolved into a quiet admiration in friendship that holds the slightest longing.

There are some that develop so quickly that they leave you a bit breathless. You find yourself panting after talking to someone for 3 hours straight and just need time to catch your breath and your thoughts that are racing with shock from this sudden feeling.

There are the crushes that reemerge when you didn't even know you had felt like this for them before. Maybe it was a juvenile thought you dismissed as friendship but you now recognise as a fully developed crush that grew as you knew the person. You recognise the signs from the past and how long you actually had them.

Sometimes nothing comes of it. Sometimes something does. All in all it's the most annoyingly beautiful feeling in the world.

Program Leave

There is just so much in our world that so much of the things humans concerns themselves with just seems so trivial. Why is the concept of happiness is just so hard to grasp? I don't understand why people do or say things that would result in unhappiness whether for themselves or others.

I'm trying to be happy. Or at least set myself up for future happy. Ever since the holidays began I've been internally struggling with this feeling and thought inside of me about uni. Not the idea of education or that I want to drop out, it just didn't feel right to me. I just want to adjust something or change something so that I can just feel I can live with myself and "be true" to myself more comfortably and more freely.

I want to do a program leave for a year. I want to take the year off to figure things out. To sort my shit out. I worded it best to Gino probably:

I just...need time to figure out what I want and to see what else I could want

Right now in film studies and creative writing I don't mind it. Sometimes interesting but rarely inspiring. This goes triple for COFA. It's all just not sitting right with me. I feel like, not that I'm doing something wrong, I could do something that's more right for me.

If I take this year off, I will not waste it. I'll make goals. I'll take action. I'll research. I'll experiment. I'll try. I'll ask questions. I will do whatever I can in order to make the best decision for myself by the end of the year. Because after program leave I can always go back to my degree at uni as if I never left. I can go back more confident and more sure and more devoted than I am right now.

All that's in the way is not the fear of my parent's permission because it is my life and my decision; it is my own fear that I'll fail and waste it all on nothing.

I'll need a plan and I'll need help but I think I'm going to go through with this.


Friday, 3 January 2014