Sunday, 9 November 2014

A list of a few movies I will always love:

In no order at all:

  • Pleasantville (1998):
    Starring - Tobey Maguire, Reese Witherspoon, Jeff Bridges and so many more recognisable faces
    Synopsis - A brother and sister from the 20th century get transported into a television show called Pleasantville. The basketball team always wins, the weather is always perfect and everyone is just swell. And everything is black and white until it isn't.

    This film has taught me so much about everything. I cannot put into words how beautiful it is and how much I love it.
  • Moulin Rouge! (2001)
    Directed by Baz Lurhman (Strictly Ballroom, Romeo + Juliet,  Australia, The Great Gatsby)
    Starring - Nicole Kidman, Ewan McGregor, Jim Broadbent and loads more
    Synopsis - In the midst of the bohemian revolution in Paris, a penniless writer strives to write the next great novel about beauty, truth and love. Next thing he knows is that he starts living it, instead of writing it.

    Seriously. This film. If the fact that Ewan McGregor is young Obi-Wan Kenobi doesn't make you fall in love with him, you will fucking melt and give yourself up when he serenades you with Your Song. The music and the acting in this is superb. El Tango Roxanne will also become 'that' song where you sing aa duets overlapping parts.
  • Peter Pan (2003)
    Directed by P.J. Hogan (Muriel's Wedding, My Best Friend's Wedding, Confessions of a Shopaholic)
    Starring - Jeremy Sumpter, Rachel Hurd-Wood, Jason Isaacs
    Synopsis - A boy who never grows up flies the Darling siblings to Neverland filled with Lost Boys, mermaids and pirates.

    It's a classic story and this is my favourite adaption to film so far. It's just so colourful and beautiful. I memorised nearly every line when I was in Year 5.
  • Amelie (2001)
    Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Delicatessen, The City of Lost Children, Alien Resurrection)
    Starring - Audrey Tatou, Mattheiu Kassovitz, Yolande Moreau
    Synopsis - Introverted and socially awkward Amelie had been content with the simplest pleasures in life and daydreams about what could be happening in the lives and world outside. Shocked by the news of the death of Princess Di, it serves as the most random catalyst for a series of events that lead to a better life.

    I only watched this for the first time a few weeks ago. I fell in love immediately. It was so strange and (I really hate to use this word sometimes, but not this time) quirky. The amazing developed characters, Amelie's view on the world and ways about things. I've probably rewatched the meeting at her doorway part at least 10 times so far. If the Glass Man and his videos don't touch your heart, I'm not sure if anything will.

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope"

-Captain Frederick Wentworth in Persuasion by Jane Austen
In all seriousness though, I'm alright. Uni isn't ideal though. I know that uni isn't something that you'll always enjoy the shit out of and isn't exactly as or what you wanted. But then again, why not?

Family is going alright, I guess. We're pretty much the usual. Loud voices, defensiveness and the need to be right. Archie is helping a ease a shit load. I don't know if they notice it though.

Friends are my only light right now. Friends from uni, from work, from high school. Even if I don't talk to them about ALL of this, it's still nice to not take it as seriously or to forget all of it when I'm with them.

I'm looking forward to Christmas break. I'm going to China for my grandpa's 91st in February. So that'll be something. I haven't been back there in a while. I just want to turn a new leaf without having to do go through he motions of turning.

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Do you ever feel soul crushing self disgust and self hatred only to realise that it's because of family expectations, the pressures of society and the futility of everything being pushed upon you at once? And because you're no longer wearing a school uniform or need parental consent for anything anymore, everyone just suddenly expects you to know how to handle it?

Because I do. And I don't.
Have you ever feel like you're slowly just descending into a shitty state? And that state can be easily fixed if you just pull yourself up and take responsibility for something you did or need to do. But you just can't. You're looking at a task or a problem in the face and there's this physical feeling within you just reacting. It's revolted and unwilling and stubborn and it just feel's like it's hurting your very soul just thinking about how you are going to try and get through it. And even when you're doing it, you really aren't.

Sometimes just lying in bed in the morning. Facing another day. Which you want to do. You really want to. But just not like this. Not with deadlines and due dates and pressure and questions and problems and just everything. And you just come to realise after all this complaining that that is life. Life is, or just has become, going through and dealing with different yet the same shit day by day. Always just hoping and dreaming and praying to reach another day where and when it'll all be worth it. There's no guarantee though. No certain promise of rewards to be reaped for hard work. As much as I respect hard work and perseverance, you see in everyday life how those people just don't make it. Which isn't fair.

When did it come to a point where we feel as though we were so limited by the options and possibilities? Everything just became so unnecessarily hard to accomplish. Happiness has become a privilege.

Everything just seems so arbitrary. So temporary. So ridiculous.

And yet there is so much. There is just so much in the world. So much good and beauty and kindness and talent. It's incomprehensible. To even try to fully accept and understand how much there is and our place within it is just so overwhelming. Sometimes it's too much. And then other times it's not enough. And we can never really just get it. Get there.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Vampire: Someone offers you a chance at immortality. Do you take it, and why or why not?
Werewolf: If you had to spend your life with just one person, who would it be?
Witch: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
Ghost: Do you have any regrets?
Frankenstein: Is someone telling you how to live your life, or are you an independent person?
Mummy: If you were to fall into an eternal sleep, do you think anyone would miss you?
Zombie: Do you miss anyone right now?
Faerie: If you could get away with anything, what would you do?
Nymph: What are you like when you’re by yourself?
Mermaid: How far would you go to keep the one you love?
Shapeshifter: What would you change about yourself?
Banshee: If you knew one of your loved ones/best friends had only one day left to live, how would you spend that last day with them?
Siren: If you could make anyone do anything, what would you make them do?
Genie: If you had one wish that would come true and couldn’t be reversed, what would you ask for?
Fury: What is a word/phrase that you dread to hear?
Incubus: What would someone have to do to get in your pants?
Succubus: What’s one thing you can’t live without?

Friday, 26 September 2014

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

I just don't understand?

Why do people not accept feminism? Literally all we're trying to do is feel safe and happy and have the exact same rights as men do. We don't want to be better than men. We don't want to take over the world. We are not anti-men. We are anti-standards set and perpetuated by men. We want our positions in the world to be acknowledged as much as the men have. That's all. (Well...that's oversimplifying. That's not all but I'm trying to say it's not that big of a thing to ask for).

Girl's getting fucking raped or abused in every way are still being accused of leading guys on, wearing not enough clothes while the attacker is sympathised with. If you're wondering why rape is always a go to problem that "relates" to feminism it's all about social standards and justice.

If you don't see the need for feminism and you're female, maybe you've got all the rights and privileges that you need but so many other women out there don't. In third world and first world countries alike.

The first time I was sexually assaulted was when I was in Year 8. I was on the bus home and sitting at the back by myself. This was around 1-3pm. A group of older teenage guys came on and I was immediately terrified. That's sign number one. Why should I be scared of guys my own age. Or ANY age for that matter? Because they have more than enough reason to think they have the power and and right to do what they want with me. Even if that isn't their intention, the fact that it is such a large possibility scared me.

They sat at the back as well, effectively trapping me in as they laughed and swore and talked about hot chicks that they fucked or considered sluts. Sign number two. The fact that were making a joke and congratulating each other about sex and experience. Being super macho because they think that's what makes them cool. That's what is expected of boys. All the while adding the double standard to the girl they DID have sex with. Which is fucking ridiculous because you love girls who like to have a lot of sex but then later shun them and calling them sluts. What the actual fuck. All girl's aren't nuns. Virginity isn't sacred or a sign of how pure you are. It can be treasured, sure, you can definitely save it for someone you feel is special. But why the hell does everyone need to have that mindset? Virginity is not a statement about who you are.

When I finally got to my stop, I was so relieved. I got off but realised about three other guys got off too. I tried not to panic and calmly started to walk towards my friends house. Then I felt a massive hand smack my ass and he ran off to the other side of the road where his friends were also walking and laughing. I was 14. Sign number three. I was violated. It might have lasted 2 seconds. It might have "just" been a smack on the ass. But it wasn't. Some guy thought it'd be funny to touch a girl who was visibly younger than him, in a way that degraded me to nothing more than a body he could touch. I don't care if I was wearing short shorts, it was fucking 30 degrees that day in Summer. I don't care if it was harmless. I didn't want someone to touch me without my permission. It was invasion of privacy, basic human rights and consent. ALL OF WHICH I AM INNATELY ENTITLED TO, JUST LIKE YOU.

My Body, My Rules is saying
"Hello, I am a human being who has family and friends just like you. I am in charge of and take care of my own body because I kind of live in it. Because it's me. It's mine. I'd like to have a tattoo on my chest one day because I decided to permanently mark my own body with something significant and important to me. I want to dye my own hair lilac because I love the colour and I want to try it out. I want to have casual sex because sex feels great and I'm being honest and safe about it, why not? (Not that that would be any of your business but I'm proving a point). But these things do not mean I'm crazy, or rebellious or is in any fucking way an invitation for you to touch me. If you want to, then respectfully ask. If I say no, then respect that."

TL;DR. Feminism is not a danger to you or your position in the world. We want to be treated like human beings. We are capable of making our own decisions. We deserve to be heard just as loudly as men are listened to but we shouldn't have to shout and rally for what men simply command for with a tone of voice that threatens violence or abuse or pompous self-entitlement. We are trying to reach up to the level men have set themselves upon, not drag them down to the level they have kicked us down to. 

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

My next two weeks

Wednesday 3rd: Dinner for grandma's birthday
Thursday 4th: Work
Friday 5th: Education assignment due. Also grandma's birthday
Saturday 6th: Get my hair purplised.
Sunday 7th: Work and father's day. If weather's good, then picnic at park.
Monday 8th: Work
Tuesday 9th: Creative writing assignment due. Also my birthday. Work.
Wednesday 10th: Michelle's birthday. Probs going to dinner somewhere.
Thursday 11th: Work
Friday 12th: Education presentation due. Possibly go clubbing with work mates.
Saturday 13th: Birthday dinner at buffet
Sunday 14th: Work

Now that I've written it all out it doesn't seem that much (did not include uni lectures or tutorials). It's just that with everything going on and my work ethic, I don't feel like I have enough time to do everything. It's just the sad reality that while I acknowledge the fact that I'm lazy, I have zero motivation to do anything about it.

Just not feeling it at the moment. Hurry up holidays. Come to me.


Assignments

So I had an English assignment and doing an Education assignment. In both I need to analyse an analysis of a certain topic. English it was a critical reading of Shakespeare and Education it was another analytical article thing. I just have one thing to ask:

IS IT SO HARD TO HAVE SHORTER, MORE PRECISE SENTENCES THAT DON'T HAVE 5 WORDS IN A ROW THAT RHYME (AKA: SOCIOLOGICAL, EDUCATIONAL, PROFESSIONAL, POLITICAL, THEORETICAL ETC.) ??

I HAVE TO REREAD A SENTENCE OUT LOUD AT LEAST 3 TIMES IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND THE MOST SIMPLE CONCEPT. LIKE, WE KNOW YOU'RE SMART AND YOU'VE DONE YOUR RESEARCH. YOU'RE PUBLISHED AND WE'RE STUDYING YOU. YOU DON'T NEED FURTHER PROVE THIS THROUGH THE CONVOLUTION AND UNNECESSARY USES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

FUCKED UP. UNI  IS FUCKED UP.  WE'RE GOING TO BE IN DEBT FOR A USELESS DEGREE IN A NON EXISTENT JOB MARKET. THANKS GOVERNMENT AND SOCIETY. REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHANGE THIS WHEN THEY GIVE ME NO OPPORTUNITY OR CHANCE TO?

CAN I JUST DROP EVERYTHING AND LIVE IN DISNEYLAND NOW?
/rant over.

ok. fuck. I need to finish summarising this 20 page, size 4 font article now. And that's only a quarter of what I actually need to write about. This is due on Friday. Why do I do this to myself.

Monday, 1 September 2014

These dorks are fucking adorable


AND KURT IS RAPPING. 

Sunday, 24 August 2014

Contemplation








If I dyed my hair fully a crazy colour I'd go lilac for sure. But since I'm chicken and will stick to balayage or ombre the lilac might be hard to transition into. So I'll either maintain my black to blonde, go black to deep purple(s) or go from black to deep purple to light lilac. I really like the first two and fifth pictures.


WHAT TO DO.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Why I want to become an English teacher Part I

A common question is why I want to teach English. Knowing my background with it and how I did in the HSC, fair enough. Part of the reason is because despite their best efforts, the English curriculum failed me. My teachers failed me. I let myself fail. To fix the result of this equation, you only need to really focus on one of the three factors in order to make it successful.

If I change the curriculum to something that focussed more on how people relate and think of text rather than how to memorise quotes and imitating and analysing the bare logistics of it, it'll change the way people teach and learn. If I changed myself and my devotion to studies and had put in my own effort to teach myself, then I would be able to understand everything more. If I were to change the way I was taught, well...

The curriculum was set by the government and various other agencies and authorities and so it would be a difficult while before I could change that. Students are fucking dealing with the unnecessary pressurised environment around and within them which is hounding and hounding and pounding and thrashing into their minds, into their bodies, into their values, into their fibre of being a shitload of information and experiences, more than half of which is wrong on many different levels.

Enthusiastic teachers who take time to not only understand the content but their students is probably the most impactful and easiest of the three. Teacher's therefore, in my mind, is the middle person who can change all of that the most easily out of the three. See what engages the class. See who isn't paying attention, falling behind, not understanding and see why. The myriad of situations that an individual student can be experiencing is bloody mind blowing because as each day passes by into the future, new problems arise out of the new technology, standards, societies and values, problems that the older and (not-always-often) wiser have never faced.

Be that teacher who believes in the beauty of diversity in teaching and learning. We're not only going to be moulding young minds, We're moulding people. We're moulding the people who will take over once everyone finally sees how incompetent we are to be in charge. We need to help mould them into someone wiser. Someone more compassionate. Someone open minded. Someone kinder. Someone better. Whatever that may need to mean.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Robin Williams

O Captain! My Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won,
the port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lie,
Fallen cold and dead

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up - for you the flag is flung - for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon's wreaths - for you the shores a -crowding
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck
You've fallen cold and dead

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse or will,
The is anchor's safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with th object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

Walt Whitman

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

The fact that he quotes my favourite quote throughout high school within the first 5 seconds is only one of the reasons why I love this:



Also the fact that this is posted on my new Education course page makes me so excited for what I'm about to start.

Oh...yeah...I got accepted into Arts/Education (Secondary)!!!!!!!!!! The amount of relief and happiness that rushed over me when I read that email was ridiculous. I think I'm heading into a double English major although wouldn't mind a Society and Culture secondary. Meh. So excited.

I'm meeting with someone tomorrow in order to talk about my program plan for the nest 4-5 years.

Monday, 21 July 2014

Hesitant backspaces

My heart skipped a beat today when I unconsciously typed your name instead of another's. I corrected it immediately. But that almost non existent moment between when I finished writing the word and when I realised the typo, I was struck with something. I don't know what. All I know is that it can only described as a jump. Something startling. Whether good or bad, I don't know.

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Beatz


Crazy excited for what they do in the future

Problem



Absolutely love all of their stripped down covers.

Monday, 30 June 2014

You're intimidating but not in the way that makes me fear your next movement of limbs or cower from your stature
You're intimidating in the way that you make it so hard to catch up with you
Your effortless speed of mirth and wit makes it so easy to admire
I only fear you in the way that makes me seem inadequate of proper conversation
in the way that I will reveal how unextraordinary I feel next to you when I try to figure out how to quip back
I can sense a kind of thinly veiled deeper brilliance to you that I want to see and experience
because it would be the worst kind of shame for it to be hidden and unknown
The fear is that you don't have the same respect and admiration of character that I do for you

You haunt me
You're not gone yet at the same time you're not here
But I still see you
I see you in dragons
I see you in the unnoticed quiet acts of strength
I see you in clothes that don't fit this era or even this world
I see you in mysteries wrapped in enigmas
I see you in the silent worries and cares and burdens of life
And more often than not I see you in my dreams
The longer you stay at the distance you are (a distance where I can recognise your height, your shape and camouflage but unable to distinguish whatever causes that look in your eyes or your reasons for wearing that shirt or how you came to own the things in your satchel), the more you haunt me in the strangest of ways.

Sunday, 22 June 2014

"What I really mean to say is that I hope you aren't held back because of a number. And that you don't rush into things because it feels like time is slipping by. I hope you do what's right for you. Hold on. Slow down. And breathe in. Your age is your age. But more importantly, your life is your life. Don't change your journey so that it matches someones else's/ We need to walk different paths so the whole world can be explored. Revel in the differences. And enjoy where you are" - ...Because I'm a twenty-something; todaywasmeaningful.wordpress.com

Monday, 16 June 2014

If you find that you are forcing yourself or uncomfortably changing your own ideas, choices, values, morals principles, or anything that makes you you just for the sake of pleasing or making something work, then that compromise and sacrifice is not worth it. That compromise and sacrifice is so destructive and damaging yet blinding because you don't know how much of yourself you are losing.

There are better ways. Grow instead of change. Make sure when you make these choices that your part of the equation isn't less or smaller. Will you become a better person because of it? A person you'll be confident in? A person you yourself can support?

That doesn't mean that you can't make selfless sacrifices at all for the person you love. There will always be sacrifices in relationships. But as with your battles, choose your sacrifices.


Supanova 2014

Man. We only went the one day and it was tiring as hell.

So went on Sunday (yesterday) and it was a crazy start. As soon as I got off the bus to head to the train station, I was fined. Not for not having a bus pass or an ID, but because my student ID apparently needed an update (which I had no idea about) and the fine is fucking TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?!? Seriously?!? Luckily I can get leniency if I update it, take a photo and upload it.

Then we headed over to Supanova where there was so much more amazing cosplay and I have a higher level of appreciation after watching Heroes of Cosplay and even Face Off. These people are so talented and amazing and DEVOTED OH MY GOD IT'S TEN DEGREES AND YOU'RE SHOWING 90% OF YOUR SKIN. I'M NOT OFFENDED BY THAT I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY AND SAFE.

We stood in a line for about 10-15 minutes in 10 degree weather with bonus icy wind because the website screwed up Mila's purchase. Laura got a sick photo with fucking Stan Lee and Mila got a birthday autograph from Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. It was a blissful event.

Seeing as I didn't get an autograph or photo with anyone (sort of wanted one with Ming-Na Wen but oh well.) I went crazy with the merchandise. Like....absurdly crazy. I'll take photos and describe the awesomeness and also the apparent price of awesomeness. I had some really lucky cool finds that I'm incredibly happy about. So did Mila and Laura.

I got home by 7:30 and it felt like 11. Went to bed last night at around..11 or 12. I think that's the first time in months. Possibly years.

The Fact of Fiction


And your were. You were my Lucas. My bringer of light. You brought light into my life. It shone on things I thought I hated and feared and made them beautiful. It illuminted different paths and ways of life I never thought or knew about. You were my bringer of light. You were until you started being my only source of light. At the expense of me burning out other lights and me putting out my own.

Friday, 13 June 2014

The buffet on the tiny entree sized plate

So I got sick. And if anyone knows me, I usually don't get sick except once or twice a year. But when I get sick...it's a shitstorm of ugly. In high school, I'd probably have perfect attendance if it were not for the 10 days I missed in a row each year cause of the freaking flu or bronchitis.

You know whats worse than have a flu that makes you cough non stop, leaves you breathe, blocked runny nose, block ears, headaches and a sore throat? Getting your period right in the thick of it too. Yeah. Think how sucky that is. It's REALLY sucky.

Good news though: it's the first time this year that I haven't had to work in 3 days. How weird is that? I didn't realise i was working so much until.

Bad news: I've got a lot of stuff I DON'T want to miss out on this week because of sickness.

  • Saturday: Bastille with Mila. I bought her tickets last year for Christmas
  • Sunday: Supanova with Laura and Mila. No cosplay, just pure spending on all things (un)necessary
  • Tuesday: So Mila's birthday is coming up and SHE surprised ME with tickets to Queensland for the day so that we can go Movieworld. I've only been to Queensland once in 5th grade and didn't do anything except hang with family. So this is mega super exciting for me
  • Thurday: Mila's real birthday! AHHHHHH. 
So yeah. Yeah. Ugh I'm so sick

Sunday, 1 June 2014

Lack of love life and other people in it

So. I don't know. Some things are out on the table. There are doubts. And dreams. And confusion.

There's old and new. There's exciting and fun and scary and so much uncertainty. Yes. That's it. Uncertainty.

What do I want? What's going to happen? Is it going to hurt? Will it really be ok?

Cause you two are perfect for each other and I hate it

(just to be clear this is about fictional couples that are amazing like Usa and Mamo or Swan and Pirate not a jealousy thing. Lol my lack of love life and other people are a whole different story)

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Internal Program Transfer

So as of a week or two ago (I can't really keep track of time anymore), I applied to transfer from my Fine Arts/Arts degree to an Arts/ Education (Secondary) degree.

And I'm really happy about it. Being a teacher was high up on things I want to be. To be able to help people learn and grow and to be able to make a small difference because I remember what it's like to have shit teachers who don't know what they're talking about. Or teachers who are absolutely horrible or boring.

But I think all people who want to become teachers start out thinking they'll be different and better. I just hope that part doesn't go away.

Fuck. I don't regret this decision. But I'm still kind of scared. About what it all means for the future.

Before I get ahead of myself (as if the tirade I just unleashed wasn't getting ahead of myself) I need to see if I actually get accepted into this course first.

What's funny is, that 95% of the people I told chose this transfer said exactly these words:

"You'd be good at that/it"

As amazingly lovely and encouraging it is to hear it from a lot of people (including Mr. McCoy while serving him at the deli), what the hell are they basing this on?

Thursday, 17 April 2014

Damn. I had another dream about kissing you again. It was the exact same way even though we were surrounded by different nonsense

Friday, 11 April 2014

dream log. The important part

I don't know how, but it was like a vision.  A fantasy. It was filled with nonsense and impossibles. Until you came. As soon as I saw you I knew that you were real. The way you looked at me.  The heat and pressure as you grabbed my arm in a strong yet restrained grip and lead me to the door so that I could hear the curious whistling wind behind it. The moment your heat made me realize how close we were.  The moment we realized we were having a moment. Despite all the strange reality was happening around us we didn't care. I felt ready for anything.  But it still stole my breath and stuttered my heart when you closed the distance between us and touched my lips so gently.  I could feel your impulse. I could feel your rush of gumption and want.  I felt it in that tiny brush of courage that lasted forever that was not long enough.  And then, like a cliché written by a primary school child, I had to wake up.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Austenland - Official Trailer (HD) Keri Russell


Actually one of my favourite movies now. Like the type of movie I'd watch when I feel sad or sick or want to watch when it's rainy outside with some hot tea and cookies. 
I think I want to become a teacher. I just don't know what kind. Primary? Secondary? What subject?

I just love the idea of maybe being able to change how kids can see the world. Maybe help them become the person they will be for the better. It's an amazing thing.
I think that it's not the fact that I hate my family. It's just that I've spent nearly 20 straight years with the same people. And yeah we have had good times and I love them, they're my blood. But I think that if I move out and see them on a weekly basis, I'd be less angry and semi-homicidal. Just saying.

It's love/hate.
Oh...a text. It must be from her about the plans coming up. But it's not. It's from him. About something little and seemingly inconsequential. A few words to reference a passing thought traded between them earlier that day. And so her heart started to dance and her smile just couldn't help itself. Until her lungs exhaled a frustrated sigh and her voice asked the dark empty room "Do I love you?"
The thing is that boys will second guess feelings that they know they have whereas girls will implicitly trust whatever feeling they have despite not really knowing what it is.

It's bound to be confusing and frustrating and stupid.

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Valentine's Day questions Part II

9:What's the most important part of a relationship? Trust, respect and just that special "thing"

  • 10:Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious

  • 16:Do you believe in "love at first sight"? Yes I do actually.

  • 17:Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet? Of course. Sometimes it's the only way people can really communicate and really build that trust until they're comfortable. In the least creepy way possibly

  • 18:What do you consider a deal breaker? Breaking trust, cheating, someone trying to be someone they're not

  • 19:How do you know it's time to end a relationship? If it reaches a point where you can't see a good future ahead for the both of you. 

  • 24:Do you think love can last forever? True love does

  • 25:Do you believe love can conquer all things? If it doesn't, then it's not love.

  • 26:Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of? Never. 

  • 28:Do you think long distance relationships can work? Yes

  • 29:What do you notice first about another person? How kind their face is. Then I'll be curious whether they have a heart to match.

  • 30:Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? I'm pretty sure I'm straight but wouldn't be surprised if I turned out bi.

  • 31:Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? I don't think so. If they're my partner, I fell in love knowing that they had that illness.

  • 33:Do you want to get married one day? I do. I love the idea of a wedding. But I also don't mind just being with someone and not getting married.

  • 34:What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed? Never a good idea. Symbols are better.

  • 35:Could you be in a relationship without sex? I think so.

  • 37:What's more important: Looks or personality? Personality. The more you get to know someone and the more you like their personality, they become more attractive.
  • 38:Do you enjoy love films? I enjoy all films

  • 41:What's your imagination of a "perfect date"? Nothing crazy. Something relaxing and simple yet still memorable. But more because of us two being together rather than what we did.

  • 43:What's more important: Your partner or your friends? Neither parties should ever make you choose. If they did, they don't deserve to be chosen. But in the end, partner.

  • 44:Would you consider yourself "romantic"? I like to

  • 45:Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? Indeed. 

  • 46:Have you ever been "friendzoned"? My default position is friend. As in, I never expect to be relationship-zoned.

  • 50:If you're single, why do you think you are? It's not really a choice or like I'm being forced to be single. It's just the way that things are right now. 

  • 52:Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships? I'm always weary when "giving advice". More than anything, I actually make sure everyone knows what my opinion is rather than tell them what they should do

  • 53:Are you jealous of couples when you're single? I'm jealous at the IDEA of a relationship but not OF people in a relationship

  • 54:How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)? Not really. If you're together, then you're together. And if you both know where you both stand clearly, then it's all ok.

  • 55:Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"? I don't think so? If I had to choose out of those three I probably would choose overly attached.

  • 57:Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart? The concept of suicide is never silly. This is a shit question. People sometimes can't handle difficult situations because they have no support or because of how the heart was broken. Sometimes people can be overdramatic, but it's never ok to write off every single person who has contemplated suicide after a break up as silly. Fuck anyone who does. Their own feelings are just that. THEIR OWN. It doesn't need to be justified or validated. That doesn't mean I think it's ok for people to commit suicide over a broken heart or that it's ok for suicide, period. Just the term "silly" makes me angry in this case

  • 58:Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship? Both. Different on occasions. 

  • 60:What's your opinion on open relationships? As long as everyone agrees and are happy, go for it.

  • 63:Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? If they both want to do it, then hey! have fun.
  • 62:How do you define "cheating"? Purposely and knowingly flirting or hooking up with someone who is not your partner. If you really believe it's friendly texting and you spend time with someone who isn't me, that's not cheating. If you blow me off for someone and just do or say things with them that you'd usually do with only me, that is cheating. Having friends of the same and/or opposite sex does not make you a cheater. Being a dickhead douchebag does.

  • 64:Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated? A litte bit. Only because of how much emphasis it puts on how society thinks you HAVE to have a Valentines or else you're just a lonely loser and don't deserve chocolates and flowers. Fuck that. But it is a lovely kind of thing for just people to celebrate love. 

  • 65:Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"? Fuck. I'm a cuddler when I'm not in a relationship. 

Valentine's Day questions Part I

1:Do you have a crush at the moment? I always have crushes. Some are silly fascinations while others are deep longings and wonderings. But yes, right now I have a crush or two.

  • 2:Have you ever been deeply in love? I think I was

  • 3:Longest relationship you've ever been in? 4 years

  • 12:How many people have you ever hooked up with? One. Lol

  • 4:Have you ever changed for someone? Yes

  • 13:What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? Trying to change myself for someone

  • 27:If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? There is a difference between completely changing who you are for someone and growing as a person with someone. Don't compromise yourself for love because if you have to, then it isn't love.

  • 5:How is your relationship with your ex? Distant

  • 6:Have you ever been cheated on? No

  • 7:Have you ever cheated? No


  • 20:Are you currently in a relationship? Nope

  • 21:Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Sure

  • 22:Do you think people should date their friends? I believe a lot of the best relationships grow from it

  • 23:How many relationships have you had? Two

  • 32:Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? I don't think so

  • 36:Are you still a virgin? Nope.

  • 39:Have you ever given anyone/received roses? Yes

  • 40:Have you ever had a valentine? Yes

  • 42:Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"? Re-reading at the moment actually

  • 49:Have you ever broken someone's heart? Yes

  • 56:Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship? I honestly don't know.

  • 59:Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary? Never

  • 61:Who's more important: Your partner or your family? In the past, partner over family because of the partner. And now I'd choose partner over family because of my family.


Valentine's Day Quiz Warning

I just did a random Valentine's Day Quiz because I'm bored. I've split it into two parts. The first is just past experiences and facts. The second part is my opinion and preferences.

Warning. Both are long but I would really appreciate if you read it all. I've bolded, underlined and/or made font bigger to emphasise points I really believe in or think are important.

Monday, 27 January 2014

Sisterly Love

If my decision doesn't really affect Michelle in any way, does she have the right to angry at me?

If she isn't happy with my decision and has other suggestion, should she attack me and verbally abuse me instead of calmly talking about it like an adult?

Lol fuck her. She was going to verbally attack me whether or not I deferred. She'd find a reason. Because she lashes out whether there is real fault or not. Bad mood? Fucking steer clear of her. Wants to find something? Stops the whole household to make them help her find it. Did I lose something? Declines help and verbally abuses me for always losing my things. 

The fact that she is such a bitch about things, makes me want to do the opposite of what she wants just to spite her. But I follow. I hate that I'm scared and so easily affected by what she says. Apathy was harder than I thought. 

The day she leaves and moves out will never be soon enough.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Some Plans:

Not really. But just some ideas and the agenda for this year.
Things I want to try and work/improve on:

  • Painting (watercolour, acrylic, oil, gouache)
  • Drawing
  • Photography
  • Video-editing and making
  • Sewing, making clothes
  • Writing

Things I want to do:
  • I'm starting to ask friends whether or not they will let me help them make videography's for special/specific events. This means taking photos and videos at an event and at the end I'll make a video made up of all of that content. So Liys' birthday is coming up and she's letting me do that. I asked Mary to ask her sister if I could do that for her sister's birthday. Basically working on my photography, video making and editing skills while making great gifts for great friends. So if you have anything coming up or know anyone who does, I'm offering up these services.
  • Collaborate with friends and other people on ideas for writing, filming, art. Meet new friends, make connections, better my skill and mind. I have a lot of ideas for stories but I never follow through with or develop. So I need to work on that. Old projects and new. As long as I document it. I may post some up on here. Maybe not.
  • Look for internships, apprenticeships, work experience in everything and anything I'm interested in. Get some experience now. Make connections now. 
lol i dno. just get my shit together. or find the things in order to prepare to get my shit together

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Friday, 17 January 2014

Crushes

Crushes are weird.

There are some that you've had for so long that you're no longer sure if it's a real crush any more. It's evolved into a quiet admiration in friendship that holds the slightest longing.

There are some that develop so quickly that they leave you a bit breathless. You find yourself panting after talking to someone for 3 hours straight and just need time to catch your breath and your thoughts that are racing with shock from this sudden feeling.

There are the crushes that reemerge when you didn't even know you had felt like this for them before. Maybe it was a juvenile thought you dismissed as friendship but you now recognise as a fully developed crush that grew as you knew the person. You recognise the signs from the past and how long you actually had them.

Sometimes nothing comes of it. Sometimes something does. All in all it's the most annoyingly beautiful feeling in the world.

Program Leave

There is just so much in our world that so much of the things humans concerns themselves with just seems so trivial. Why is the concept of happiness is just so hard to grasp? I don't understand why people do or say things that would result in unhappiness whether for themselves or others.

I'm trying to be happy. Or at least set myself up for future happy. Ever since the holidays began I've been internally struggling with this feeling and thought inside of me about uni. Not the idea of education or that I want to drop out, it just didn't feel right to me. I just want to adjust something or change something so that I can just feel I can live with myself and "be true" to myself more comfortably and more freely.

I want to do a program leave for a year. I want to take the year off to figure things out. To sort my shit out. I worded it best to Gino probably:

I just...need time to figure out what I want and to see what else I could want

Right now in film studies and creative writing I don't mind it. Sometimes interesting but rarely inspiring. This goes triple for COFA. It's all just not sitting right with me. I feel like, not that I'm doing something wrong, I could do something that's more right for me.

If I take this year off, I will not waste it. I'll make goals. I'll take action. I'll research. I'll experiment. I'll try. I'll ask questions. I will do whatever I can in order to make the best decision for myself by the end of the year. Because after program leave I can always go back to my degree at uni as if I never left. I can go back more confident and more sure and more devoted than I am right now.

All that's in the way is not the fear of my parent's permission because it is my life and my decision; it is my own fear that I'll fail and waste it all on nothing.

I'll need a plan and I'll need help but I think I'm going to go through with this.


Friday, 3 January 2014