Thursday, 23 October 2014

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope"

-Captain Frederick Wentworth in Persuasion by Jane Austen
In all seriousness though, I'm alright. Uni isn't ideal though. I know that uni isn't something that you'll always enjoy the shit out of and isn't exactly as or what you wanted. But then again, why not?

Family is going alright, I guess. We're pretty much the usual. Loud voices, defensiveness and the need to be right. Archie is helping a ease a shit load. I don't know if they notice it though.

Friends are my only light right now. Friends from uni, from work, from high school. Even if I don't talk to them about ALL of this, it's still nice to not take it as seriously or to forget all of it when I'm with them.

I'm looking forward to Christmas break. I'm going to China for my grandpa's 91st in February. So that'll be something. I haven't been back there in a while. I just want to turn a new leaf without having to do go through he motions of turning.

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Do you ever feel soul crushing self disgust and self hatred only to realise that it's because of family expectations, the pressures of society and the futility of everything being pushed upon you at once? And because you're no longer wearing a school uniform or need parental consent for anything anymore, everyone just suddenly expects you to know how to handle it?

Because I do. And I don't.
Have you ever feel like you're slowly just descending into a shitty state? And that state can be easily fixed if you just pull yourself up and take responsibility for something you did or need to do. But you just can't. You're looking at a task or a problem in the face and there's this physical feeling within you just reacting. It's revolted and unwilling and stubborn and it just feel's like it's hurting your very soul just thinking about how you are going to try and get through it. And even when you're doing it, you really aren't.

Sometimes just lying in bed in the morning. Facing another day. Which you want to do. You really want to. But just not like this. Not with deadlines and due dates and pressure and questions and problems and just everything. And you just come to realise after all this complaining that that is life. Life is, or just has become, going through and dealing with different yet the same shit day by day. Always just hoping and dreaming and praying to reach another day where and when it'll all be worth it. There's no guarantee though. No certain promise of rewards to be reaped for hard work. As much as I respect hard work and perseverance, you see in everyday life how those people just don't make it. Which isn't fair.

When did it come to a point where we feel as though we were so limited by the options and possibilities? Everything just became so unnecessarily hard to accomplish. Happiness has become a privilege.

Everything just seems so arbitrary. So temporary. So ridiculous.

And yet there is so much. There is just so much in the world. So much good and beauty and kindness and talent. It's incomprehensible. To even try to fully accept and understand how much there is and our place within it is just so overwhelming. Sometimes it's too much. And then other times it's not enough. And we can never really just get it. Get there.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Vampire: Someone offers you a chance at immortality. Do you take it, and why or why not?
Werewolf: If you had to spend your life with just one person, who would it be?
Witch: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
Ghost: Do you have any regrets?
Frankenstein: Is someone telling you how to live your life, or are you an independent person?
Mummy: If you were to fall into an eternal sleep, do you think anyone would miss you?
Zombie: Do you miss anyone right now?
Faerie: If you could get away with anything, what would you do?
Nymph: What are you like when you’re by yourself?
Mermaid: How far would you go to keep the one you love?
Shapeshifter: What would you change about yourself?
Banshee: If you knew one of your loved ones/best friends had only one day left to live, how would you spend that last day with them?
Siren: If you could make anyone do anything, what would you make them do?
Genie: If you had one wish that would come true and couldn’t be reversed, what would you ask for?
Fury: What is a word/phrase that you dread to hear?
Incubus: What would someone have to do to get in your pants?
Succubus: What’s one thing you can’t live without?