There is just so much in our world that so much of the things humans concerns themselves with just seems so trivial. Why is the concept of happiness is just so hard to grasp? I don't understand why people do or say things that would result in unhappiness whether for themselves or others.
I'm trying to be happy. Or at least set myself up for future happy. Ever since the holidays began I've been internally struggling with this feeling and thought inside of me about uni. Not the idea of education or that I want to drop out, it just didn't feel right to me. I just want to adjust something or change something so that I can just feel I can live with myself and "be true" to myself more comfortably and more freely.
I want to do a program leave for a year. I want to take the year off to figure things out. To sort my shit out. I worded it best to Gino probably:
I just...need time to figure out what I want and to see what else I could want
Right now in film studies and creative writing I don't mind it. Sometimes interesting but rarely inspiring. This goes triple for COFA. It's all just not sitting right with me. I feel like, not that I'm doing something wrong, I could do something that's more right for me.
If I take this year off, I will not waste it. I'll make goals. I'll take action. I'll research. I'll experiment. I'll try. I'll ask questions. I will do whatever I can in order to make the best decision for myself by the end of the year. Because after program leave I can always go back to my degree at uni as if I never left. I can go back more confident and more sure and more devoted than I am right now.
All that's in the way is not the fear of my parent's permission because it is my life and my decision; it is my own fear that I'll fail and waste it all on nothing.
I'll need a plan and I'll need help but I think I'm going to go through with this.