Thursday, 14 February 2013

2013 Me (warning, long post)

I don't actually know what this post is going to be about. I want to say, this year everything is going to be new and different and I'm going to change. At first I thought it was cliche, but since it is literally the start of a new school where I'm going to be surrounded by hundreds of new people, it might actually be true this time.

I don't want the following list to just be a cliche goal or new years resolution thing. I want it to be a life thing where I accept that things change, that change is always inevitable and because of that, why not push some of that change in certain directions?
  • Try. Work hard. I want to say this without sounding arrogant or full of myself. I need to be honest and realistic. I let myself down in high school, academically. I know for a fact that I have the ability to achieve good grades and I know how to study and put 100% effort into my work. But after primary school, I got scared I think. I went from being the smartest girl in my class to just another average, smart-ish student. So as the years went by, I stopped trying because I didn't want to deal with the disappointment and pressure. I brushed it off and stopped caring. I was ecstatic for my friends who have achieved so much and settled for being "alright". But I really want to try this time. The subjects and fields I'm diving into are things I'm pretty sure I love and so I'm going to try and work hard for the next 3-4 years.
  • Put myself out there. In high school, I really came out of my shell. I made great, amazing friends that I think I wouldn't have made otherwise. But I still hesitate. Everyone does, I think. There's always that fear that you'll be rejected, humiliated or hated. I don't actually know what I'm looking for in regards of "putting myself out there". I'm not going to suddenly become an outgoing, no-fear kind of girl. I just want to be more open? To let myself take more chances and opportunities. I don't know. Like talk to strangers in my class. That sounds stupid. Lets amend that, initiate conversations and/or friendships. Go out more to places I've never been. Say yes more to the unknown kind of thing. Nothing crazy. I've always admired people who weren't afraid to put their opinions forward in class and seemed fearless of judgement from others. But then a friend or someone near me a remark about how stupid and annoying that person was. I 'd hide the respect I had and just say nothing or laugh it off. I need to change that. 
  • Become a better friend. I'm not a terrible friend at the moment (I don't think I am. I hope I'm not. Oh God....) but I know I could be a better friend. Talk to them more, go out with them more and even defend them more. I love my friends. They are literally the reason I got through the past few years. But I do want to strengthen the relationships I have now and hope to create more. Essentially, I want to become part of a BROTP.
  • Independence. This is kind of a combination of the above. I realised that the past couple of years, I had heavy reliance on the people around me. I relied on people to take me to places, to do work for me, to take responsibilities for me. This year, when all those dynamics between me and everyone around me changed/shifted, I realised that I was clueless or scared or confused about things that I should have some knowledge and confidence about. I need to take initiative, become more organised and responsible. 
  • Acceptance and happiness. I don't know, I just feel as though these should be headings. They could mean so many things but I don't know what I want them to mean. Maybe everything that they imply in general or maybe it's specific to certain people and things and situations. I don't know

Random little stuff:
  • Jobs, internships = I want
  • Review blog. I need to commit to that. I really want to. I don't know why I'm not yet. 
  • Try my hand at writing. I don't know what I mean. Screenplay? Script? Fan fiction? YA Fiction? Short stories?
  • READ MORE. Books. Fanfiction only counts half the time.
  • Get back into and find what I love about art. 
  • Thrift stores and weekend markets, I want you to be the supplier for everything from now on.
  • Master baking and cooking

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